Stuck in the world of left-handers

Congratulations! If you’re reading this article, it looks like you made it into the New Year, and since I’m writing it, it looks like I’ve made it as well.

As I look back at the holiday, I think things could’ve gone a bit better. Having both major shoulder surgery five days before Christmas and everyone over at our house for a family reunion might not have been the greatest idea after all.

Although the shoulder operation was really bad timing, it did accomplish the goal of saving my life. The Wife said if I didn’t stop complaining about the pain and just go ahead and get fixed ... well, you can finish her sentences.

Unfortunately, my right shoulder was the one that got fixed and I’m right-handed. So until the doctor says otherwise, I’m stuck in the strange world of left-handers.

After several days of exploring this new world, I thought there was no way anyone could do anything using just their left hand. At the end of the first week, I’m sure of it. Being left-handed is really difficult.

I’m having such a hard time adjusting that I think I’m going to apply for a handicap sticker for my car.

After 10 days, I had a follow-up with the doctor. He informed me not to bother with the handicap permit. It seems I’ll be in a sling for two more months and won’t be able to drive anyway.

Great, I guess that’s just something else added to the list of things I can’t do. Just what else is on the impossible list for the newbie left-hander? Just read on, dear reader, read on.

At the top of my list is typing on a computer keyboard using just the fingers of the left hand. Even though they appear to be the same appendages as the ones on the right hand, they seem to have a mind of their own.

Sure, there are computer programs out there that’ll write what you say, but I’ve found they all seem to have the same design flaw. They understand many languages, but none understand Southern.

Take it from me, this hunt and peck stuff is really slow. I can’t even type 100 words a minute – not that I could before my operation, but the doctor did say he’d make me better so I was really hoping that meant I would be able to type faster.

Next on the list of impossible things to do left-handed is tying one’s own shoes. And yes, I could do that before I hurt my shoulder.

Lucky for me, The Wife now does that for me as soon as I pull them on. I guess she doesn’t want me to trip over any untied shoelaces and break something else.

Wrapping presents and using scissors are two more impossible tasks. A left-hander using right-handed scissors just doesn’t work. Note to self: invent left-handed scissors. Also invent left-handed can opener, television remote, self-opening adult beverage bottles, a left-handed razor, pen and a self-peeling banana. Oh, most important of all, invent left-handed toilet paper.

It’s been two weeks now since the surgery, and The Wife’s back at work. I don’t think I’m going to make it in this left-handed world all alone. I need to find a support group like Left-handers Anonymous.

And to think, there’s people out there that actually have been left-handers all of their lives! How they function day to day with such a handicap is a mystery to me. I’d shake their hand, but I don’t have the left-handed hand shake down yet.

I guess left-handers are indeed better than right-handers. Not only can they survive in the right-handed world, but they can function with ease in the strange and difficult world of left-handers.

Right now, stuck in their world, I’d be happy just to be able to tie my shoes.