Husband points

There was one teacher at Briarwood High School, home of the Mighty Buccaneers, that was disliked more than any other. That teacher was Mr. Mikers, the math teacher. So when I drew the short straw at registration my senior year and ended up in his class, I knew it wasn’t going to be fun.

Not that Algebra 2 could’ve been made fun, but having Mr. Mikers ensured it was going to be a miserable year.

Mr. Mikers didn’t believe in curving grades – an unspoken practice that any other teacher at Briarwood mercifully followed. Nope, in his math classes, the number you got right on a test was the grade you got on the test. Didn’t show your work? You got no credit even if somehow you got the right answer. How fair is that?

At the end of the year, one point kept me from getting a B in his class. One lousy point and no amount of complaining or crying would make Mr. Mikers relent.

Not that I’m admitting to any crying, mind you. It was as if he cherished each point; they belonged to him, and he would only give them out when they were earned.

Math teachers are all about numbers. Points in his class were almost as hard to earn as husband points. What are husband points? Read on, dear reader, read on.

Around our house, husband points are awarded by doing various tasks – usually referred to as “unexpected” or “nice” gestures such as, but not limited to, the following: washing The Wife’s car without being asked; that got me five points.

Oddly enough, changing the oil doesn’t rate any points at all. Guess that’s just expected, and there are no points for expected behavior.

But I digress — there’s an entire list of tried and true things one can do in order to earn those valuable husband points.

Wash all the dirty clothes, and 10 husband points will come your way. Cook a special dinner of lamb chops, sweet potatoes, squash casserole, and homemade dessert, and you’ll get a whopping 20 husband points.

Although having it all published in the newspaper before you’ve actually cooked the surprise dinner makes it no longer a surprise, so it only counts for 10 points.

Dress in Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, drive an hour and a half across town to go to a Christmas party of all her work friends will earn 20 points.

Complain about it the whole time while driving across town and you get no points.

Clean the entire house while she’s out of town on a business trip and when she comes home, you can cash in all of your points.

Warning to all you new husbands out there: don’t expect to get points for doing typical husband stuff around the house either.

Taking out the trash falls into the typical husband stuff category, so for that rigorous task no points are given.

Other things you don’t get points for, but should, are picking up your dirty clothes, putting up the clean dishes, or rinsing out the shower after use.

I know it’s not fair, but when it comes to awarding points, I don’t make the rules. The Wife does.

Only one person can award points in our household: The Wife. I tried to award myself some points just last week for taking out the trash, but I got caught. When The Wife found out, she actually took some away.

I know that’s shocking, but it’s true. Not only are husband points hard to earn, but they can easily be taken away.

Here are some examples of what husbands should avoid doing in order not to lose those valuable husband points.

Buying the wrong gift, whatever the occasion, will lose you points.

Forgetting her birthday or wedding anniversary will not only get you into the dog house, but it’ll wipe out all the points you have accumulated and then some.

I’m aware that keeping track of what is point-worthy behavior and what is not, especially around the holidays with families in town, can be difficult. To be sure, just do what I did and ask the point-giver in your household. Trust me, she has a list and doesn’t have to check it twice.

Which brings up a good point – pun intended – how do wives earn points?

For the answer, I went to the logical place, the giver of the points in our house: The Wife.

When I asked her why there’s no such thing as wife points, she kissed me and whispered, “Because I don’t need points.” Then she smiled and walked into the bedroom.