Scariest thing in the world

Eight years is a long time to wait for anything, but soon the wait will finally be over. Halloween has once again fallen on a Friday night.

Fuzzy, the giant 16-foot spider, is suspended over the sidewalk ready to drop on unsuspecting trick-or-treaters. This morning, The Boy came over and finally finished digging the moat in the front yard. Soon it’ll be full of creepy things to both shock and scare all who dare stop by.

The magnitude of this event is such that I’m surprised it hasn’t had more coverage by the press. Guess they’re still busy with those two presidential guys. No matter — in a couple of days that’ll all be over with also, and if you think tonight is scary, just wait until all the votes are counted next Tuesday.

In years past, there has been a lot of debate about what day Halloween should be celebrated on. This year Halloween falls on a Friday night, and we didn’t even have to have a ruling by the Supreme Court to know it.

I agonized for weeks to get the perfect costume. I’ve been Batman, a vampire, even a giant bottle of mustard, but this year had to be different. I’ve decided to be scary, make a political statement and be serious – all at the same time. The Wife thought I could do two out of three, but the serious stuff would be way too much of a stretch.

Last week I wanted to go as my alter ego, Coupon Avenger – defender of low prices on everything everywhere, but The Wife said no. Me prancing around in a mask, cape, and spandex would prove just too much for the neighborhood – not to mention the guys at work would never let me live it down.

She also was afraid we’ll have to move again. Plus, I’d probably get a fine from the neighborhood association board. I’m sure before the night was done, Coupon Avenger would paper a certain someone’s house with about a bazillion out of date coupons. Disappointed, but not deterred, I returned to the basement to work on my new costume.

The wait is now over, and the night has arrived. In my new costume I stand just inside the door – The Wife at my side shaking her head. The sun dips beyond the horizon, and it starts to get dark. Just past 6, the doorbell rings, and I walk out to give away the first of many handfuls of goodies. When the monsters and goblins run screaming under Fuzzy the giant spider, The Wife asks, “Please explain to me one more time what you’re supposed to be?”

“I’m dressed as the scariest thing in the world. If you don’t believe me, just ask those two presidential guys.”

She leaves me on the porch to shell out candy to the rest of the trick-or-treaters and walks back inside. Through the screen door I hear her phone her mom and say, “That’s right, I’m not joking. My wonderful husband’s giving out candy dressed as a giant hanging chad.”