Domestic violence

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. The website, www.domesticviolence.org. offers this definition: “Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other.”

Though violence in heterosexual relationships does occur against men, the majority of violence is against women. It occurs equally among all classes, races, and nationalities and even religions and happens at a great enough rate that anyone reading this article can be certain that either they or someone they know is in an abusive relationship.

Alcohol and drug use does not cause domestic violence, though the effects of alcohol or drugs may intensify the emotional process that leads to a partner to abuse another. An abuser will find a way to abuse with or without mind-altering substances.

Being stressed out, also, is not a cause to abuse someone; there are plenty of healthier ways to deal with stress. It is also not a personal issue for a couple. Abuse affects children by teaching them that abusive behavior is okay. It affects the workplace through loss of labor hours, and some statistics hold that 30 percent of homicides against women are at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends.

The pattern of abuse often starts subtly. A couple meets and begins dating and start falling in love. The little quirks can seem almost charming at first: for example, jealousy, in its early stages, can look as if it’s a sign of love and protection. It’s not long, however, before that jealousy turns into possessiveness.

Maybe the man has a bad day and comes home and throws things. That’s often excused by the woman saying, “Oh, he just had a bad day.” It’s not long before the violence against an inanimate object turns against her.

One person in the dating couple may tease the other with what seem to be insignificant put-downs. In reality, that is the beginning of verbal abuse. It will only escalate into name-calling and serious criticism.

The Pauline scriptures about the husbands being the head of the household and wives being submissive to them do not in any way, shape, or form condone abuse. Through the years, when I’ve worked with abused women, I’ve been surprised at how often a woman will tell me, “I guess I wasn’t submissive enough.” One woman even told me that when she talked to her pastor, her pastor’s advice to her was, “Try not to upset him.” Abuse is about the abuser’s need to control — period — and he will find something to set him off because abuse has nothing to do with the behavior of the abused. It certainly does not fit into the biblical teaching, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church.” Marriage is a partnership of two equals (Eph 5:21).

The website www.domesticviolence.org says, “Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.

“Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married and even dating.

“If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you it is considered abuse:

“• Pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting;

“• Threatening you, your children, other family members or pets;

“• Threatening suicide to get you to do something;

“• Using or threatening to use a weapon against you;

“• Keeping or taking your paycheck;

“• Puts you down or makes you feel bad;

“• Forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like;

“• Keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work.”

And here are some facts from www.promiseplace.org (Promise Place is the local resource center for Fayette County. For a complete list of facts, please visit their website):

• Children from homes where domestic violence occurs are abused or ... neglected at a rate 15 times the national average.

• Children growing up in violent homes are 74 percent more likely to commit a crime when they get older.

• Injuries due to domestic violence result in $10 million in medical billings in this country each year.

• Employers lose between $3 and $5 billion every year in absenteeism, lower productivity, higher turnover ... associated with battered workers.

• In 2002 there were over 600 domestic violence incident reports made out to law enforcement agencies in Fayette County. The FBI estimates that only 1 out of 10 domestic violence incidents is actually reported.

Finally, if you are in an abusive relationship, please get help through any of the following:

Promise Place: office, 770-460-1604; www.promiseplace.org; Crisis Line, 770-468-1673; or National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

Romans 8:35 - 37, “Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” There is a way out. Let someone help you.

Sally Oakes is pastor of Bethany United Methodist Church, 607 Rivers Road, Fayetteville, GA 30214. Phone: 770-964-6999 or 770-964-6992, or e-mail bethanymnc@bellsouth.net.