Chocolate has no expiration date

I’ve tried to save money all of my life, and to date I’m ashamed to say I’ve utterly and completely failed. Not that I haven’t tried, though. Oh, I’ve tried. I’ve clipped coupons, which I forget about, leave on the kitchen table, and go grocery shopping without. The coupons finally end up in the trashcan long after they expire. I’ll go behind The Boy and cut off light switches in an effort to save energy – only to leave the hall light on at night because, well, some big fireman in our house is a little afraid of the dark. But now with The Boy off at school, it’s more important than ever for us to save money.

There’s one thing I won’t do in my efforts to be frugal. To me, all food has an expiration date, whether it’s stamped on the package or not. When that date is reached around our house, food gets thrown out. This is a hard and fast rule I’ve followed safely since my college days. It started after I ate the fuzzy green thing in the back of the refrigerator and got really sick, missing classes for a week. Should have known it wasn’t gonna be good when it snarled at me. But back in the day, they didn’t print expiration dates on things, at least not like they do now. Nowadays you’ll be hard pressed to find anything without an expiration date.

For example, milk has an expiration date stamped on it. So does orange juice. Cheese has a “Do not sell after” date printed on each block. Butter, bread, and now even beer have “Best if used by” dates. Even yogurt has an expiration date. Why I don’t know – isn’t yogurt just expensive, spoiled milk? Guess that fuzzy green thing has gotten a bit tastier since college.

The lessons I’ve learned taught me that everything someone could eat, drink, or use to power a remote control had an expiration date, and sooner or later, these items would no longer be good. But I was wrong. Friend Mitch told me last week that, even though it too has a date stamped on it, one delectable item stays good forever and never goes bad.

How is any of this information gonna save you lots of money? One word, Valentine’s Day – Okay, that’s two words but just read on, dear reader, you’ll see. This Valentine’s Day, I’ve found a surefire way us men-folk can save a bundle.

Chocolate has no expiration date.

Not being sure, I asked the one person who I knew would know the answer – the expert on chocolate around our house: The Wife. To my surprise, she said that Mitch was right — chocolate doesn’t have an expiration date, but husbands do. And if I wanted to know when mine was, just let her find out I threw away any of her stash of expensive, Swiss chocolate stuff.

I’m trying to save every dime I can since out of state tuition is a bunch of money or, depending on your priorities, it’s a big pile of chocolate bars. So how will I stay fugal around this chocolate time of the year and still stay happily married? Well, I think I’ve come up with a way.

This year for Valentine’s Day you should do what I’m gonna do. Don’t go out and spend a bunch on assorted chocolates in a heart-shaped box. Save your money. Since chocolate never goes bad, just use some leftover chocolate from Halloween or that chocolate bunny from last year’s Easter basket. That will show the special someone in your life you care enough to give the best gift of all: the gift of savings.

On second thought, you better not do that. If you do, your expiration date as a husband could be up earlier than expected.