“Underworld Evolution”: This movie bites (you know, like vampires, ha-ha)

Thu, 01/26/2006 - 4:49pm
By: Michael Boylan

If you “Google” unnecessary sequels, you will find pages upon pages of films listed under this category, where films such as “Another 48 Hours,” and “Be Cool” are included. Rest assured, “Underworld: Evolution” will soon join those movies.

Did you see the first “Underworld?” If you’re shaking your head “no,” then skip this review because there is absolutely no reason in the world for you to see this movie. If you did see “Underworld,” you probably don’t remember exactly what happened. I didn’t either, but luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you look at it) “Underworld: Evolution” catches you up quickly so that you can prepare to feast your eyes on more vampire-werewolf gun violence.

Yippee!

The story goes like this - vampires and werewolves, or lycans as they are called in this series, are at war. Why? I’m not really sure. Anyway, for centuries these two groups have been battling and in modern times these wars involved lots of guns and leather jackets. Methinks these mythical mosters got around to watching The Matrix trilogy one too many times. One vampire, Selene, finds a vampire-lycan hybrid named Michael in the first film and she protects him and they become friends. In the new film, they get to be a little bit more than friends in what (I know, I can’t believe I’m saying this either) is quite possibly the most unnecessary “love scene” I have ever seen.

The plot of the new film is fairly lame. Back in the 1200s, when all this got started, one man was a vampire and his brother was a werewolf. The werewolf was captured and locked away and the other brother never forgot him, vowing to find him and let him out one day. Selena, unbeknownst to her, knew where the werewolf guy was imprisoned and when she learns this secret, she and Michael are on the run from the vampire brother.

The plot gets more involved than that in places but it doesn’t really matter.

Here’s the problem with this movie in a nutshell. It’s kind of ugly - as everything looks like it was filmed in a blue tint - and despite semi-decent performances from OK actors, the story and the script are incredibly lame. And why on earth do vampires and werewolves have to fight with guns? Seriously? They should use their superhuman powers. Heck, even Blade uses a sword in most of his battles - that’s why he’s called Blade.

So, seriously, don’t waste your time with this movie. It will be on DVD soon enough and your home is the perfect place to watch it. That way you can pause it and fix yourself a stiff drink before attempting to finish it.

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