IT’S WAR!

Today started like any other day. I got up, walked the dog for an hour, ate breakfast, and kissed The Wife goodbye as she went off to work. It was my day off so I spent some time in the basement, did a little yard work and around noon came inside for lunch. I cut on the news just in time for the special report and immediately lost my appetite. It seems that the entire state of Georgia is at war with the Russians.

Now, I don’t know what Governor Sonny Perdue did to make the Russians so mad that they’d invaded us. Lord knows he’s got enough people in Georgia upset at him already; just ask anyone who’s had to traverse the downtown connector during the weekend. That paving project would make anyone want to go to war against Georgia. Not to mention he’s asking us to carpool to save on gas and help out with the dirty air. Not driving a gas guzzler all alone while sending tons of pollutants into the air is downright un-American.

It’s not just the commuters that are fighting mad at the governor. Teachers are also ready to take up arms. The raise he gave them this year didn’t even keep up with the price of gasoline. Having all those commuters and teachers mad at you is one thing, but Russia is a big. I really don’t know what to call them since they got all broken up, but it’s still big. No matter how you look at it, having a bunch of Russians mad at us ain’t a good thing.

After locking every door in the house, I called best friend Mitch and informed him that Georgia was at war with the Russians. He asked me if I was kidding then asked if I had been in the basement “working” again. The basement is where The Wife and I make wine. I answered, “Yes, I’ve been working in the basement and no, I’m not kidding. I saw it on the news. Perdue has done something to upset the Russians.”

That’s when the phone went dead. I’m not sure, but I think the Russians got best friend Mitch.

I called The Wife to warn her, but she was in a meeting with a bunch of teachers and unavailable. Guess she and all those teachers were probably planning a counterattack. When I asked the receptionist whether it was against the Russians or Sonny Perdue, she couldn’t stop laughing to tell me. When I hung up the phone, it became obvious — the Russians were using laughing gas.

As if things aren’t bad enough already, the housing market gone to bust, people can’t afford groceries and the price of gas is through the roof. Now we have to contend with the Russians invading Georgia.

Other than making them mad, I could only think of one thing they would invade Georgia for that they don’t already have – sweet tea and grits. Okay, that’s two things, but if you’re a true Southerner, those are two things worth fighting for.

I have a solution to the war before it gets out of hand. We’ll just show them some real Southern hospitality and invite all those Russians for breakfast at my favorite barbecue restaurant. It’ll be a tight fit, but the breakfast is worth it.

On second thought, better not. We do want the war to end one day. They probably don’t have grits in Russia, and slow-cooked Southern grits with a slab of butter would warm the coldest Russian heart and then they’ll never leave.

Just look at the last big war we fought in the South. They don’t eat grits in the North, Georgia got invaded, and now we can’t get rid of them. The Wife reminds me that she’s one of them — people from north of the Mason-Dixon line, not a Russian. She married me, and she’s staying in Georgia.

It just proves my point that the war between the North and South really isn’t over yet – they’re just changing the battle tactics. Now they are trying to defeat us from within. And I’m alright with that.