Americans, Please Don't Get Smart!

As many of you are aware, John McCain’s campaign is a total disaster – and it gets worse every day. He doesn’t know the difference between Sunni and Shia, he doesn’t “get” this economy thing everyone is on about, and he thinks Czechoslovakia still exists.

While his opponent, Barack Obama, is drawing unprecedented crowds, McCain’s non-events would be completely unattended were it not for the Secret Service (who have to be there) and the few reporters who are assigned to cover him (usually as punishment for having pissed-off their boss).

That’s why McCain is counting on you – the totally misinformed, the ignorant, and the just plain dumb – to keep his candidacy viable.

In furtherance of that effort, please don’t smarten up before November. John McCain’s only chance of getting any votes is your continued stupidity; don’t let him down.

If you believe that the high cost of gas is the fault of the Democrats, despite the fact that fuel prices rose while the Republicans were in control, please don’t start putting two and two together now.

If you believe that Obama is a radical Muslim and a Christian with a too-radical pastor, please persist in ignoring the contradiction and continue to accept that both of these things are incontrovertible facts.

Should you find yourself noticing that McCain doesn’t seem to know what he’s talking about, take a break from listening to him. A little time out can renew your faith in his ability to eventually figure things out.

Please do not abandon reliable sources like FOX-News, no matter how shrill and desperate they sound in the months to come. If their fine journalists are saying things that are the complete opposite of what you know the facts to be, remember that they could be right and the facts could be totally wrong.

Do not fall prey to the idea that change is needed in our government, or that the direction the Republicans have taken the nation in the past eight years has been wrong-minded – or even insane. Losing your job, your healthcare coverage, your savings and your home are not the worst things that can happen. The GOP has plunged the nation into unprecedented debt – you don’t hear them whining about it, do you? Put that flag pin in your lapel and soldier on.

Please keep focused on the idea that the War in Iraq is going swimmingly. So far, we have lost a mere 4,000-plus US troops, and a only few million Iraqis are dead, maimed, orphaned and/or displaced. Do NOT allow common sense to dissuade you from believing that McCain’s idea of staying the course will ensure victory within the next hundred years or so.

Above all, do NOT lose sight of the character of the candidates. Obama may be eloquent, well-informed, admired and respected by world leaders, a man of vision and perception, hopeful about implementing positive change, enthusiastic about our ability to put the country back on the right track, and willing to work tirelessly to undo the damage done by eight years of the Bush administration’s policies.

If you find yourself thinking that these are the qualities we want and need in a president, McCain will probably lose. In fact, if you find yourself thinking at all, McCain has already lost – big time.

So don’t start thinking. Don’t inform yourself. Don’t question anything. And for the love of God, don’t smarten up – because John McCain is depending on your stupidity. It may fall squarely in the slim-to-none category, but it’s the only chance he has.