Where have you gone, Billy Madison? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you, boo-hoo-hoo. Adam Sandler’s new comedy, “You Don’t Mess With The Zohan” has a tremendous pedigree and enormous potential, but it is wasted in an unfunny mess.

Written by Sandler, Judd Apatow (“Knocked Up”) and Robert Smigel (“Saturday Night Live”) prior to Sept. 11, 2001 and then re-worked recently, the story focuses on Israeli counter-terrorist agent The Zohan – think Jack Bauer but even more ludicrously super. The first five minutes introduce us to The Zohan as he brings down The Phantom. This is the best part of the movie. It is silly, zany and fun. Soon, Zohan leaves Israel for New York City to become a hair stylist and escape the never-ending fighting.

This is where the movie falls flat. Zohan moves in with a guy he meets on the street who still lives with his mother. The guy is played by Nick Swardson who was excellent in numerous other Happy Madison productions and also played the stalker in “Blades of Glory.” Here, he is the straight man and he is bad. Zohan gets a job at a salon owned by a Palestinian girl and eventually becomes the hottest ticket in town because he flatters the old ladies who come in for a cut and color and then takes them in the back for a little something extra.

What else happens? Not much. Rob Schneider in perhaps his most annoying role ever is a former Hezbollah soldier who recognizes Zohan and tries to bring him down to obtain all sorts of glory. The “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” guy is a corporate guy trying to close down the neighborhood and replace it with a mall.

If you aren’t excited by these things, then don’t mess with this movie. It’s political comedy isn’t biting enough and it abandons its silly side for lame sex jokes. There were few laughs to be heard in the theater and that is a bad thing.

Sandler’s early films are still his strongest and I think he needs to go back to what worked. Perhaps he doesn’t want to play the rage-filled characters like Happy Gilmore and the Waterboy, but those films had a lot of excellent moments and a silly sensibility that makes them fun to watch over a decade later.

Zohan stinks.

**

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