Nostrada-mike sees all, tells a little

Come closer and gather around my crystal ball. Pay no attention to that orange, clearance price tag on the base or that smudge around the top. I was eating Cool Ranch Doritos earlier.

So, my friends, you are curious to know what the all-powerful, all-seeing Nostrada-mike sees happening in 2006, eh? Well, even though curiosity killed the cat, Nostrada-mike knows that satisfaction and a well-placed Automated External Defibrillator brought him back.

I will reveal seven predictions for 2006 and then you must leave Nostrada-mike. I would like to go home and watch more episodes from my “The Simpsons: Season Six” DVD.

First, I have a few local predictions.

1. In the city of peachtrees, a silent man will soon be heard.

What do you mean you need me to expound on that prediction? You got wax in your neurons? Fine, lots of people said that they hadn’t heard much from Harold Logsdon during the mayoral campaign. Well, you’ll be hearing from him a lot more from now on. Why? Because of The Citizen, your friendly neighborhood newspaper. The Peachtree City reporter will be on him and the new council like white on rice and there will be stories galore in the coming year.

2. A Chrysler as big as a whale may park on Shakerag Knoll.

It isn’t crystal clear yet. I see bright colors and big hair and hear women making fish noises. I think it is the B-52s and I think, maybe, yes, quite possibly, they might be coming to a summer concert series near you.

3. Big hearts and bigger wallets will lead to big progress at the cultural center of the county.

If a groundswell of support comes through for the Arts and Aquatic Center on Huiet Road like Nostrada-mike thinks it will, then the residents of Fayette County will soon have a wonderful addition to their county. If not, they can always cram into a room at the library to hear music, see dance or watch theater.

That’s it locally. A word of warning, Nostrada-mike may be a little far-sighted, so the things closest to him and his crystal ball may be a little blurry. Plus, lots of things are swirling around so close that they bleed into other images.

For instance, I see men wearing brightly colored shirts on bicycles, (I assume it is the Tour de Georgia) but I also see large trophies held up by smiling young people and fireworks and marching little leaguers and decorated pumpkins and carnival rides.

Oh boy, this crystal ball thing can give a guy a headache. Anyway, it looks like Fayette County will have a nice year.

Let Nostrada-mike make his final four predictions and then retire to his heated and vibrating leather recliner.

4. Well-shod shoes will be placed in well-groomed mouths.

Yes, that means people will be putting their feet in their mouths again this year. What do you mean that’s not a very good prediction? I think it is a great prediction and very likely to come true. Heck, I bet it will start coming true by the end of the week.

I mean, in the last few months of 2005, we had a guy tell a whole town that if they get hit by a natural disaster or snowed in during a harsh winter, not to turn to God because they turned their backs on Him and this was after he called for the assassination of a foreign leader. Plus, locally, a guy placed a bit of the blame on an election loss on what a Christmas tree was called.

As long as people talk faster than they can think, they will always say things they shouldn’t say. Even Nostrada-mike is guilty of this. He once said something about the actress Rue McLanahan and she was sitting behind him in a cafe. I know, what were the odds, but then again, Nostrada-mike is supposed to be psychic, so I should have seen that coming.

5. A star will divorce the sky.

No, wait, I’m sorry, it should read, a star will divorce this guy. See, it’s a picture of Kevin Federline. So, Britney Spears will divorce Kevin Federline.

Hey, don’t laugh, a prediction like that may get me in one of those tabloids. That’s where the real money is.

6. Iraq will soon be known as Happyland.

Sorry, I couldn’t think of a more clever way to phrase that in faux-verse. It is true though. Soon, the streets of Iraq will be paved with candy and everybody will wear gigantic, creepy, Up With People smiles, as they dance all day beneath rainbows. Frolicking. I see a lot of frolicking and no explosions or bloodshed. Every map will be changed and right smack-dab in the middle of the Middle East will be Happyland with its capital, Fun City, being marked by a smiley-face.

You doubt Nostrada-mike’s predictions? Do you have the second sight? Do spirits communicate with you at all hours of the day? I don’t think so. You should try it sometime. Try having a conversation on the phone with some spirit yammering away in your other ear. Not fun.

Here is my final prediction for 2006 - read it and weep -

7. Your favorite sports team will fail to win a championship.

Hey, I’m just playing the odds. If I’m wrong about your team, that means I was right about the other 99 percent of the teams out there. If you want to talk locally, I can say with almost certainty that neither the Braves, the Falcons, the Hawks nor the Thrashers are walking away with a championship in 2006. And I doubt the Yellow Jackets or the Bulldogs will either, at least in football or basketball.

That’s it. Go home. Time for Nostrada-mike to heat up some taquitos and watch the episode of The Simpsons where Bart falls for the Rev. Lovejoy’s daughter and she gets him into trouble.

I love that one.