Chocolate has no expiration date

There are many things you can do to insure a happy marriage. Throwing out chocolate a week after Valentine’s Day because everyone in the house is supposed to be on a diet ain’t one of them.

A word of warning to fellow Neanderthals out there: whether you are married or just dating your future better half, chocolate has no expiration date.

In my case, The Wife is called the better half for a reason. For the most part, we men folk are hairy, and rude. Above all else, we smell bad. And that’s on a good day. She is just the opposite, but make no mistake about it — throw out her chocolate, and all bets are off.

Last night, my argument that everything comes with an expiration date fell on deaf ears, and once again the subject of “my collection” that now occupies half of a closet came up.

Exempt from my expiration date notion are the little shampoos, conditioners, and soaps one acquires from any stay at a high-priced hotel. It’s a known law of the universe that those will last forever.

I’ve been collecting them for years as part of my retirement stratagem. When I retire, I’ll start selling them to supplement my income. Right now, they are a better investment than real estate.

Milk, on the other hand, does come with an expiration date stamped right on the jug. The Wife pointed out that it really wasn’t an expiration date, but rather a “Best if used by” date. It would still be good for another week or so.

This is a long-standing argument in our house. If milk is good for a week after the “Best if used by” date, then it would have a “Best if used by but still good for another week or so after” date stamped on top. Guess there’s just not enough room for that.

Some people I work with have bought into the non-expiration theory for more than just chocolate and miniature bath care products. They eat things three or four months past the “Best if used by” date.

Oh, the horror! When questioned about the impending gastronomic disaster, they say that expiration dates on food is a government conspiracy. Keep reading — this one’s good.

It seems that to kick-start the economy during the Great Depression, government officials came up with the idea of stamping expiration dates on all consumer items. That way even if it does last forever — like chocolate — the consumer will throw it away when the date is reached and buy more, thus keeping the great capitalist machine running.

Sorry, I don’t buy it. Great idea, but the people who run our government ain’t that smart.

By 9 that night I had returned from my late night run to the grocery store for replacement chocolate and a gallon of milk. The “Best if used by” date had been reached, and the half gallon of milk now occupied the same trashcan as the non-expired half-eaten imported dark chocolate bar.

We sat down in front of the gas fireplace, me with my glass of warm milk and The Wife with her chocolate. She agreed that everything in this world comes with an expiration date; if you don’t use it, it will eventually go bad.

The orange and blue flames danced on top of the logs, and I was feeling hopeful. “Except for me, right? I don’t come with an expiration date.”

She leaned over, kissed me softly, and then smiled seductively. “Throw away my chocolate again, and your expiration date will come more quickly than you ever thought possible.”