Oh, the joys of moving

As I look back on my relatively short lifespan on this Earth, there have a few days that have stuck out like a sore thumb - days that I would rather forget. Moving into our new house last month was probably the worst of these days. And how did that day end, you might ask? Well, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you – I will, though. But you’re gonna have to wait. Before my tale of moving woe begins, let us take a look-see at other not-so-stellar days in the life of yours truly.

On top of the list would be the day I accidentally dropped my giant green toad frog Jumpy down Blabber Mouth Betsey’s dress. It wasn’t really my fault, though. It was a double-dog-dare. Besides, how’d I know she was terrified of harmless giant, green Toad frogs? Her frantic run around old Mrs. Crabtree’s fifth grade classroom was a classic moment at Mt. Olive Elementary - one that ended with me in Principal Baker’s office, getting detention for a week.

Betsey trying to get away from that frog started a chain reaction of broken flower pots, over-turned desks, milk up Goofy Steve’s nose – which by the way wasn’t an unusual occurrence. And worst of all – it ended with my giant Toad frog escaping out the window. I felt sorry about the whole thing for weeks afterwards. I really missed Jumpy.

Another memorable day I’d like to forget was when I shot that spitball through the center of the world. The giant, five-foot globe in the library, that is. Mrs. Crabtree had sent us to the library to research the Civil War. She wanted us to write a two-page report on the event. They won – we lost. What else was there to write about?

Take it from me — spend an hour in a school library bored out of your mind and you’ll get into trouble, especially when you have free use of a giant globe. The globe stood next to the card catalogue near the center of the library – it was perfect for hiding behind. (Special note to young folk: A card catalogue is what you used to look up the location of books in a library before computers replaced them.) The globe rotated freely on a stand so it could be pointed in any direction and had a hole drilled clean through the center. The hole made it perfect for shooting spitballs - especially at one certain bully who was teasing my girlfriend Candi.

The spitball I had been chewing for almost an hour went streaming through the center of the globe, over two rows of reading tables, and struck Down the Street Bully Brad right in the eye! Looking back some 37 years later, I’m still amazed how fast and agile such a large person could be when really mad. Bully Brad chased me all around the library, turning over the card catalogue, toppling the giant globe from its stand causing it to roll across the room to thunderous applause from my fellow classmates. I made my escape, darted out the door into the hallway and ran right into Principal Baker and another week of staying after school cleaning erasers. That was the day I learned that a one-eyed bully was just as dangerous as a two-eyed bully.

So what about the most memorial day I’d like to forget? Well, if you bribe five of your closest friends, rent one 24-foot rental truck with two dozen blankets, buy 75 moving boxes, buy free drinks and four deluxe pizzas for lunch, moving should go smoothly, right? It did. But our entire lives are now packed away in boxes, we can’t find anything and I think we’re missing one of the cats. She’s probably still in a box somewhere.

At the end of the very long, stressful moving day, the Wife and I went out on the back deck for cheese, crackers and a glass of adult beverage. In short pants, T-shirts, and bare feet, we sat back in lounge chairs to enjoy the ambiance of our new home. We sipped from our glasses, watched the stars above and listened to the sound of the haunting train whistle in the distance. Life was perfect. Or so we thought.

That is until we figured out that one of us just locked ourselves out of our brand new home. The “us” being me, of course.

This I know: At eight o’clock it gets really dark and really cold when you’re outside, barefoot, wearing only shorts and a T-shirt - especially as you hopelessly look for an unlocked window or door to get inside your new home, which we didn’t find. What we did find were the phone books we hadn’t picked up off the driveway yet.

Did you know there’re over 30 different locksmiths in the county’s yellow pages? None are open after six, but there’re 30 of them in the yellow pages.

We finally had one to call us back after leaving a pleading message for help on his answering machine that I believe robbed me of all my masculinity. The locksmith said he’d be happy to make an emergency run out to our house and let us in. Five minutes after his arrival, we were once again in our lovely home. I wrote him a check for $95. The checkbook was on the kitchen table lying right next to our six copies of extra house keys.

We had our first dinner in our new home at nine that night – leftover pizza. Found the other cat in a box sometime after ten. Got into bed shortly thereafter and drifted off to sleep listening to the train whistle off in the distance. All in all, I guess it was a pretty good day after all. Special note for all you animal lovers out there: The cats were unaware and unaffected by our two-hour stay out in the cold.