Hobgoblin and monster safety

Dust off your cobwebs and start digging your bottomless pits. Check to see if the giant black and purple, blow-up yard spider is full of air and ready to go. Hang up skeletons in the trees and make sure they’re rocking ‘cause all the trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood will soon come a-knocking. This year Halloween falls on Wednesday night.

After four trips to the local party story, we’re all stocked with tasty ghoulish treats: candy eyeballs, chocolate flies, candy fingers on sticks, and gummy worms. For the little monsters there’ll be plenty of bubble gum, gummy bears, and snicker bars.

I in my Batman costume with state-of-the-art utility belt, and The Wife dressed as the angel that she is (with glow-in-the-dark halo) will eagerly await little monsters at our door. They’ll come for candy, but they’ll get much more.

The Boy finished digging the bottomless pit last week. Luckily I’m on the homeowners’ board. This year I was in charge of making sure all bottomless pits conform to the rules. After issuing myself a permit, I put up the warning signs and made sure they were well-lit. This year we hope not to lose anyone.

We placed tombstones of Halloween past, present and future in the graveyard next to the old, dead creepy tree, compliments of a stray lighting bolt from the big storm last year. The smoke machine was checked and will cover the yard with an eerie white mist. Speakers were hung in the trees and will play scary music while strobe lights lining the driveway and sidewalk illuminate the way.

Safety of all trick-or-treaters is our main concern, but beware — if you come to our house on Halloween, your candy treats will be well-earned.

All kids should have a flashlight to illuminate their way past all the scary decorations and bottomless pits. Walk on the sidewalks if possible; never cut across lawns because other bottomless pits may not be as well marked as ours.

If you live in the land of 10,000 golf carts, be careful. The goblins driving them may not see you.

Any party store will have hanging reflectors or reflector stickers and tape. Moms, add this to your little monster’s costumes on the front and back. Only visit homes you know, and always examine all candy before you allow it to be eaten.

Halloween is really neat, but if we don’t have a lot of little monsters visiting our house this year, we’ll be eating leftover candy for weeks and weeks.

If you make it past our yard full of zombies, don’t get blown over by the new wind machine. Traverse the small moat, wade through the eerie white mist, and don’t fall into the bottomless pit and step over the scary boo mat. If you do all of that, then you have earned your treat, and The Wife and I will give you a bunch of candy to eat.

But if you do happen to fall into our bottomless pit, please take a look around. We haven’t seen The Boy in a couple of days. He might still be down there.