Real ones vs. fake ones

There’re two types of people in the world - those who like real ones and those who like fake ones.

Sure, an argument can be made for fake ones. They’re more symmetrical than natural ones. You can get them as small as you like or so big they hardly fit through the front door! Personally, I like the real ones. To me there’s no substitute for what grows naturally. Besides, how can you improve on what’s already perfect?

One of the many reasons people go fake is the promise that they will never droop overtime. This is an important point of contention amongst the older generation. No matter what’s draped on them or if you take care of them or if you give them years of neglect, fake ones will be just as perky as the first time you buy them.

And you would think that the fact a good set will cost you a pretty penny would deter most from buying them. Nope. Nowadays with all of the emphasis being put on how things look, fake ones have become increasingly popular - especially amongst the younger generation out there.

But, even though there’s an ever increasing demand for fake ones, if you ask me, nothing’s like the good old natural ones. And with proper care and a little attention, real ones can hold their shape and look good longer than you think. Yes sir, there’s nothing like the smell of a fresh cut real Christmas tree first thing in the morning.

The best place to get a real Christmas tree on Flamingo Street was up at the haunted forest. Everyone knew that. The haunted forest lay across the fishing lake, above the swamp, directly behind 110 Flamingo Street - our house. The trees found there were much better than the ones you could buy at the in town lots. Sure they were just cedar or pine trees and sometimes they had odd shapes – but they were better because dad always took us with him. It was one of those many family traditions I remember which surround the holidays and made them special.

Dad told us the same story ever year; he needed help picking out the tree and cutting it down. I don’t know about that. Seems he could do that all by himself. It did wear all of us kids out dragging it back to the house though. When we finally got the tree back home we were too tired to fight over who got to help mom decorate it. Could it be that was Dad’s plan all along?

No matter – it wasn’t long ‘til we found out a real Christmas tree has many other uses than just hanging ornaments and strings of multi-colored lights on the branches and stuffing presents underneath. Many, many other uses.

With a real tree you can cut off the small lower limbs and make a wreath to hang on the front door. Just don’t use nails that are too long; they’ll go all the way through the door and make your dad really mad. Especially if your older brother nails the wreath at the top, bottom and both sides.

The cut off limbs of a real tree can also be put to another good use - smearing sticky sap in your twin brother’s hair while he sleeps in the bed next to you. Not that I did that every Christmas Eve and blamed it on Santa’s Elves, mind you. (Those pesky little Elves sure did a lot of mischief around our house.) But to get the most sap out of the branches you have to use lost of water. On the tree - not your brother while he’s sleeping.

And there were other reasons for watering a Christmas tree - especially if it was your job to do so. The larger ones need water twice a day. Or the tree will dry out; the hot lights you were supposed to unplug at bedtime will catch it on fire and ruin Christmas. Just trust me on this one.

Unplugging Christmas tree lights before going to bed is just as important as using the correct extension cords when stringing lights outside. Only UL approved lights and cords labeled for outside should be used outside. All frayed light and power cords should be discarded. Don’t try to see if they still work by having your little brother hold onto the frayed end while you plug the other end into the wall socket. My arm was so numb I couldn’t hardly open my presents.

And when everyone is exchanging presents, don’t forget to give your smoke detector a present. A new battery. But whatever you do, don’t let the kids lick the end of the old battery to check and see if it’s still good. They won’t be able to speak for an hour – although when it happened to Blabber Mouth Betsy that one year it was a welcome relief.

A warning to new parents about presents at Christmas time - hide presents really well. Okay, so that’s four words, but take my words for it, kids will find presents wherever you hid them. I was a kid once and we always found the presents. They were hidden: under the bed, in the top or bottom of closets, out in the green station wagon with the brown faux wood panels, and even up in the tree fort where no girls were allowed.

We always found the presents. Well, except that one year. Mom got really sneaky and hid them in the laundry room. Heck, I didn’t even know where the laundry room was in our house.

Another good thing about a real tree is that they are a renewable resource. Once Christmas is over you can take the tree to the big hardware store with the orange roof and watch as they run it through the chipper. The giant chipper can grind a used Christmas tree completely in about five seconds! But the chipper will come to a grinding halt if you happen to slip in a fake Christmas tree. Just ask The Boy about that one.

One last word about real or fake ones, if you buy a fake one you must find a place to store it somewhere after the holidays are over. Make sure that place is no where near anything hot. Like the gas hot water tank. That’s one New Year we’ll never forget!