Hugging etiquette

Let’s get one thing out in the open. I’m a hugger — have been all my life. I’m proud to say I come from a long line of huggers. My dad is 80, and he still hugs. Grandpa Jed died at age 92; the last thing he did was give Grandma a hug.

Before you do some hugging, there a few things you need to know. Hugging has rules, and to break just one of them could have dire consequences.

For example: there are two defined hug age zones, each with separate rules, and a huge hug gap in-between.

If you live in the South, all I can say is, if you don’t like getting hugs, move. Much like the tradition of pouring peanuts in an RC Cola or putting salt on a watermelon, here in the South getting hugs from any and all relatives are an essential part of growing up ... and part of any family reunion.

As a child you could hug everyone; it’s considered cute. You are in what is considered to be the young hug zone. And if you’re over 70, you can hug anyone, and it’s also cute. You are in the older hug zone. Somewhere in-between the two ages, though, lies the no-hug zone. At the ripe age of 49, the no-hug zone is where I currently reside.

In my later years, I’m keenly aware that there’re three types of people in the world: those who like hugging, the “in-between hugger,” and those who are miserable.

But what if you just happen to hug one of those miserable people who aren’t a hugger? Trust me when I tell you, a non-hugger can put you in a world of hurt. But if you insist on hugging someone who’s a non-hugger or in the no-hugging age zone, some unwritten rules which must be followed. Since it’s unwritten, I guess I won’t be accused of plagiarism if I write it down now.

This article was inspired by a dinner party thrown by the Bunco Queen. Not only is she a fantastic hostess, but she is one of those rare, “in-between” huggers. It was at one of her recent parties that the etiquette of hugging was formulated. An official proclamation from the Queen should be forth coming soon. But for now, just follow the simple rules below and you should be able to hug once again with confidence, free from the fear of getting sued or losing some essential body part.

First and most important, never give full frontal hugs — unless, of course, it’s with your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, or significant other. The only exceptions to this rule are for people who reside in the two hug zones, children under the age of 7 or someone aged 70 or above. Full frontal hugging is not appropriate at any other time and can land you in jail. So be careful.

Second rule of hugging: don’t hug strangers. Breaking this rule has gotten many husbands in trouble and ended quite a few marriages. Hugging strangers at a dinner party is a faux pas too. Unless the other person is a hugger; then you don’t really have a choice.

The Bunco Queen has deemed that it would be considered rude not to hug them back, almost as rude as hugging a non-hugger. In this case a small side hug with arm on shoulder is appropriate.

Third rule of hugging: No hugging around or below the waist. An around-the-back arm hug or around-the-back shoulder hug is fine. The only exception to this rule is for grandkids, nieces, nephews, and cousins. They fall into the “free hug zone” category.

All hugs have a time limit. No hug shall last longer than two seconds. Hug time occurring between the aforementioned group of husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, and significant others can be extended as needed to achieve desired results.

Fifth rule of hugging: The “in-between” hugger is not a true hugger. They really only hug socially and are very selective with whom they hug. But it’s not really their fault, and they should not be discriminated against. The hugging gene didn’t develop fully in these individuals.

If you get a hug from an in-between hugger, consider yourself honored. Although, promising research has been done to correct this situation, and a pharmaceutical remedy should be on the market soon.

The last rule of hugging: If you’re hugged, please hug back. Hugs are free so if you get a hug — even if you’re a non-hugger — hug back.

Nothing hurts a hugger more than giving a two-second hug and not be hugged back. Our hospitals are full of huggers who are scarred for life because they gave a hug and didn’t receive one in return. The world would be a better place if everyone in it was given a two-second hug.

This article would have been longer, but The Wife is due home soon and we have some serious hugging to catch up on. Of course, we’ll follow all the rules.