Wild turkeys and other turkeys I know

The other day, my quarterly issue of the trendy, glossy magazine Wild Turkey Hunting Strategies arrived. It was lying between my monthly issues of Vogue and InStyle. I took it from the mailbox then took it to the trash.

My subscription is yet another reminder of how some guys just don’t get it. Now, these are the guys who, for the most part, mean well. They really are trying but they don’t completely understand what woos a girl and grabs her heart.

For the record, a magazine subscription about hunting is not wooing or heart-grabbing. Not for this girl, anyway. A good flirt (and I consider myself to be one) will talk to a guy about anything. Which is how I came to be a member of the Wild Turkey Federation.

In feigning interest over a date’s hobby and asking questions about turkey hunting, he got the impression that I was really interested. Which, of course, shows what a good flirt I am: he believed me. So, he signed me up for the WTF and begged me to go hunting with him. He even offered to buy all my hunting gear and said that he wanted my first time to be with him.

When I found out that I couldn’t wear perfume or talk and had to sit still for hours, I bailed out.

As I threw the magazine away, I began to think of some of the things that guys have done that sabotaged their chances with me.

Dropped In: One suitor lost my phone number so he dropped by in the middle of the day to get it again. This after he had e-mailed a day earlier to ask for it and I didn’t promptly respond. Now here’s one problem: I work from home. And, I actually do work so stopping by to visit me during the day is like popping into someone’s office and hanging out.

Here’s the other problem: the way I look when I work at home. This is the biggest problem. I throw clothes on, twist my hair up and put on a dab of lipstick and a swish of mascara. This is such an unattractive sight that I normally stick my head out the front door to ascertain that neighbors or yard workers aren’t lurking around before I dash to the mailbox.

My heart sank when I opened the door and saw this guy. Later, I was plenty aggravated by it. Guys should know better than any such. Don’t surprise a woman like this. Especially before you go out. It probably goes without saying but he never called after that.

Dropped Price: One guy tried to woo me by talking endlessly of his wealth and success. It was so bad that every time he called and got my voice mail, he detailed his daily business dealings and how much money he had made.

Typically, I would hear, “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it? It sure is for me because I’m closing on a $2 million dollar deal. I’ve only got $500,000 in it so that’s not too bad. And tomorrow, I’ve got a closing on a $1 million deal. I’ll only make $800,000 on that one but I guess that’s still okay.” This guy ran me off quicker than I ran off the guy who saw me without make-up.

Dropped Names: One guy bragged in an e-mail of playing football for the Georgia Bulldogs. I responded by asking if he knew friends of mine on that team. That’s when he had to admit that he never played on the team because of a knee injury. I hate show-offs who have nothing to show off.

Writing is therapeutic. That said, I think I’ve just written some therapy because after writing about these guys, the turkey hunting guy isn’t looking so bad.

Does anyone know how to call a turkey?