Who wants me? It’s the mamas

It may be interesting to you and even completely unbelievable to learn that I am an incredibly sought-after single woman. Many desire to make my acquaintance in unmasked hopes of leading to long-term romantic relationships.

I’m beginning to think that I could sell myself for a small fortune as a mail order bride. Of course, it isn’t the guys who are trying to get me.

It’s their mamas.

But can you blame any God-fearing, decent Southern mama for wanting a good Southern girl for her boy? What Southern mama wouldn’t want a woman who can bake up a batch of homemade biscuits, hem a pair of pants, knit a sweater or clean out gutters if the need arises?

Now, the sons are probably looking for something different, things that would make their mamas blush. Mamas, though, are thinking of what it would take to nurture and comfort their baby boys just as they have done over the years.

That’s why in the eyes of so many mamas, I’m the girl.

For the past few years, mail has poured in from maternal ones who pleaded their case.

“I am sure that you get dozens and dozens of inquiries like this,” one mama wrote. “And, to be honest, I am probably wasting my time but I had to try. My son is such a nice, Christian boy and I really want him to have a good woman. P.S. He would have me committed if he knew what I was doing.”

Without question, every match-making inquiry begins with, “I’m sure that people are always trying to fix you up but ...” That’s true but I always listen to every one. You never know when the right one might pop up.

Another mother who wrote was more blunt. “My son is a doctor and does quite well for himself. But he dates the wrong kind of women. Big boobs, blonde hair and not a brain in their heads. It is obvious to me that they are only after his money. I want him to have someone more like me. Plain, simple, hard-working. Nothing fancy. You’d be perfect.”

I loved the one from the mama who was able to see past all her son’s outstanding qualities, which she listed in two paragraphs, and point out his flaws. I’ve never seen a boy’s mama do that. Usually sons can do no wrong where Mama’s concerned.

“Now, I’ve told you all the good stuff, I’ll tell you the rest,” she wrote. “He’s not all that much to look at. Unfortunately, he inherited his father’s nose. Big, ugly noses run on that side of the family. It’s a shame he couldn’t have gotten his nose from my side because we all have very nice-shaped noses. Still, he works out regularly and is in good shape. He has a kind heart, a strong work ethic and a brand new Corvette. If you can overlook the nose, I think you’d be pleased.”

Without exception, all the women apologize for such boldness, but I am never offended. I’m always delighted to read these e-mails and cards.

“You must be flattered to see how much these mamas think of you,” one friend commented.

“I think it’s more desperation than flattery,” I responded dryly.

My all-time favorite pitch, though, didn’t come from a mama. It came from a dad, who waited in a book-signing line to talk to me.

“I guess folks are always trying to fix you up,” he began. I smiled and nodded.

“Well, I got me a boy that’s good-looking and awfully charming.” He leaned closer. “But if anyone ever tries to fix you up with him, run as fast as you can.” He shook his head. “That boy ain’t worth a durn.”

Now, that’s a first. Usually, I have to find that out for myself.