Talking to Big Daddy: Just don’t worry your pretty little head

Scene: The White House, with a white picket fence around it and a tire swing in the front yard. Daddy is sitting at the table enjoying a lemonade while he listens to the ball game on the radio.

Hey, there sport. Oh, no need to call me Mr. President, remember? We don’t have to be so formal. Just call me Daddy. or Dad. Actually, I like Daddy better.

So, how was your day? You want to talk about anything? If you do, just know that I’ll always hear you, even though I might not be “listening.”

Like, I hear everybody telling me what to do with the war in Iraq these days and I just want to scream from the rooftop, “Hello, decision-maker numero uno, here. I am the decider, OK? I got us here, I’ll get us out and I’ll be darned if I am going to stop now and ask for directions.”

And everybody is offering directions these days too. Even Henry Kissinger, and I could have sworn that guy was dead. Haven’t these people ever heard of GPS before? It’s a war with a third world nation, it ain’t rocket science.

As for that report from the Baker Commission, well, I disregarded it because buddies should always support their buddies, no matter what. I thought Jimmy was my wingman, but I guess he didn’t get the memo.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, listening. What were you saying? Oh, hold that thought. One more thing I’ve got to spout off about before I forget is all this global warming and climate change hoo-hah.

You probably heard that scientists were urged to downplay their conclusions or not use certain words when they wrote their reports. The way these articles were written about this, you’d think I was Tony Soprano closing in on these pencil necks with a handful of piano wire.

Look, I just don’t believe in any of it. None of it. Not the melting ice caps, the drowning polar bears, the projections of coastal towns all over the planet being swallowed by the ocean. I think it’s all science fiction and fantasy, like that show with the cute little Japanese guy that can stop time and the hot chick with two personalities. Anyway, because I don’t believe in global warming and I’m not worried, you shouldn’t be either.

’K, Pumpkin. You have to trust Daddy. Father knows best, right.

Hasn’t he kept you safe from terrorist attacks since 9/11? And all you have to do is take off your shoes at the airport, pack your liquid medications in your stowed luggage, subject yourself to random screenings, remove your lap top from your carry-on luggage, lift your hat so that people at ball games feel secure in the knowledge that you aren’t carrying a bomb in there, turn your phone on and off (gotta make sure that isn’t a bomb either), maybe have your phone calls screened, your mail read, your Internet use looked into and your library accounts examined.

No big whoop and if I think of anything else to do that might keep you safe, I’ll implement it in a heartbeat and I won’t ask for anybody’s opinion then either. Why should I? I’m El Grande Decisoramente, remember? You think Jack Bauer stops and asks for Kim’s opinion when confronted with a terrorist situation? Heck, no, that girl couldn’t keep herself from almost being chewed up by a mountain lion. And Jack loves Kim and will do anything to keep her safe.

See, that’s what fewer and fewer people get these days. I’m not doing this to be a mean, old Daddy. I’m doing this because I love you.

I want you to live in a world where the words love and family are easily defined and aren’t so scary. I want you to live in a world where you can live as long as a machine can keep you alive, even if that’s not what you want (or what you think you don’t want). I want to help raise your kids and if that means mandatory drug testing for all children in this country, then so be it. We are a nation of laws, Daddy’s laws, and I will make as many of them as I want.

I know that sometimes it might look like I’m not looking out for your best interests. I’ve heard you ask why so many people don’t have health care and why I haven’t done much about turning back illegal immigrants. You wondered why things were so mucked up after that hurricane and why it seems like Daddy’s friends all tend to benefit greatly in their business ventures? There are no easy answers, so I’m not going to get into it. If it’s not easy, I don’t want to talk about it and you don’t need to hear it.

Now, I also heard about your wise mouth asking how I fit under the heading of “Republican” when my list of Daddy laws and my people who help me come up with more laws and enforce them just keeps on growing and growing.

Never you mind. Unless you are a political science major, the definition is beyond the comprehension of mere mortals such as yourself. You just go back to watching “American Idol” and laughing at those crazy people.

You know, before I was your Daddy, I seem to remember hearing a lot about you wanting to go back to a simpler time. Well, baby doll, it doesn’t get any simpler than handing the reins over to Daddy, sitting back and enjoying the ride.

Now, you wanted to talk?

Ooh, wait until after this half-inning.