By Greg Moffatt
Special to The Citizen

I am convinced that there is no more difficult time in life than the years between sixth grade and high school. During these years, children change developmentally, they have numerous challenges in front of them, and they are expected to be responsible. And yet at the same time they have few mature skills for working through the many adult-like issues and problems that they face.

On top of these issues the adolescent years are perhaps the most cruel years of life. Peers can be ruthless. Almost no child is spared teasing from friends. Any flaw - a wart, a scar, hair that is slightly out of place, or the cardinal sin of adolescence - wearing the wrong clothes - makes one the potential target of relentless teasing. Even adults would have a difficult time coping with this type of constant scrutiny. How much more difficult is it for these developing young men and women when they have far fewer life skills?

Teens have limited coping skills because they have a difficult time imagining their future. Their worlds are wrapped up in the moment. A breakout of acne, a bad grade, or a failed relationship are all issues that overwhelm them at the moment and they have a difficult time imagining a time that they will not feel the present pain. This is hard even for adults. When we are going through a time of intense pain (divorce, death of a loved one, etc.), adults know that if they can survive the present there will be a time they will feel less pain, but it is still hard to believe it at the moment.

So what can you do? Here are five ideas to help your teen during these years and to make your job as a parent more manageable. First, be a good listener. The younger children are, the more instruction they need from us. As children get older, they need less instruction and more understanding as they learn to work through problems on their own. Listen for the opportunity to talk with them about important issues of life - sex, relationships, drugs, grades, career, religion, or other issues that are important to your family. Your children will test you on occasion to see if you really are listening. Don't miss the opportunity to listen more than you talk.

Second, teach problem-solving skills by example. We all face problems every day. Some of those problems are big and some are small. One way you can teach your child to deal with problems is by the way you deal with them. I sometimes talk out loud to my children about struggles that I'm dealing with so they learn that we all have problems and that there are always solutions to coping with them if we work at it.

Third, expect mood changes. Adolescent moods fluctuate for several reasons. They have limited ability to manage their moods. They also are hormonally driven. Their bodies are producing various hormones at a fantastic rate. Some of these hormones affect the child's moods. Finally, many teens are dealing with adult issues, but they have limited freedom and resources to cope. This would frustrate anyone and can easily lead to mood swings.

Fourth, pick your battles carefully. No matter how often you praise your child, an adolescent will at some time or another claim that you are mad at them all the time. The one time you point out a problem overshadows all the times you praised them. The more you pick at little things, the more fuel you give them for this argument. Some battles just aren't worth the trouble. Very generally, if it isn't an issue of respect or health/safety, if it won't have long-term ramifications if you ignore the behavior, and especially if it is simply a matter of preference, let it go.

Finally, don't try to be your child's best friend. You are a parent and that is what he or she needs. Your child will have plenty of friends, but only one set of parents. Your child will be angry with you on occasion and often say hurtful things, but don't back down from what is best for him or her. Teens want to be grown up and it is your job to show them how.

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