Hobgoblin and monster safety

Some things are predictable in this world. Each year you will have a birthday, unless you’re over 30. But, at the end of this month, a special event which only happens once every year will occur.

And this has yours truly excited beyond words — well, not really; that would mean this column was only one paragraph long. For you see, this year, dear reader — oh my, what a fright — Halloween is coming and it’s on Tuesday night!

This is gonna be a huge happening, one somehow overlooked by the mainstream media — an event as significant as any election and guaranteed not to be recalled. Seeing little monsters and hobgoblins scurrying across our yard for the first time will be as exciting as moving into our new house. Well, not really. But close.

Get your cobwebs ready and start digging your bottomless pits. Check to see if the 10-foot, black and purple, blow-up yard spider is full of air and ready to go. Hang up skeletons in the trees and make sure they’re rocking ‘cause all the trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood will soon come a-knocking.

After four trips to the local party story, we’re all stocked with tasty ghoulish treats: candy eyeballs, chocolate flies, candy fingers on sticks, and gummy worms. For the little monsters there’ll be plenty of bubble gum, gummy bears, and snicker bars. I in my Batman costume with state-of-the-art utility belt and The Wife dressed as the angel that she is (with glow-n-the-dark halo) will eagerly await little knocks on our door. They’ll come for candy, but they’ll get much more.

The Boy came back from college and dug the bottomless pit last week while I put up the warning signs and made sure they were well lit; this year we hope not to lose anyone.

We placed tombstones of Halloween past, present and future in the graveyard next to the old, dead creepy tree; compliments of a stray lighting bolt from the big storm this past spring. The smoke machine was checked and will cover the yard with an eerie white mist. Speakers were hung in the trees and will play scary music while strobe lights lining the driveway and sidewalk illuminate the way.

The safety of all trick-or-treaters is our main concern, but beware — if you come to our house on Halloween, your candy treats will be well-earned.

All kids should have a flashlight to illuminate their way past all the scary decorations and bottomless pits. Walk on the sidewalks if possible; never cut across lawns because other bottomless pits may not be as well marked as ours.

If you live in the land of 10,000 golf carts, be careful because the goblins driving them may not see you. Any party store will have hanging reflectors or reflector stickers/tape. Moms, add this to your little monster’s costumes on the front and back.

Only visit homes that you know, and always examine all candy before you allow it to be eaten. Halloween is really neat, but if we don’t have a lot of little monsters visiting our house this year, we’ll be eating leftover candy for weeks and weeks.

If you make it past our yard full of zombies, don’t get blown over by the new wind machine. Traverse the small moat full of squiggly things, wade through the eerie white mist, don’t fall into the bottomless pit and step over the scary “Boo Mat,” then you have earned your treat. Only then will The Wife and I will give you a bunch of candy to eat.

If you do fall into the bottomless pit, let me know if you see The Boy down there. Have fun and be safe this Halloween.