By Greg Moffatt

Following my article last month on deliberate parenting I received a letter from a reader that was just too good not to pass on to you. I asked his permission to publish it and he agreed. I have edited it slightly, but for the most part it is in the form in which it was received and this powerful message is worth repeating.

I just read your article in the Citizen. How true it is that what you put into parenting you get back out. I am a divorced dad with grown children, but I also have two young children with my second wife. Having had the chance to be a parent over again only makes it more deliberate on my part to pay attention to the details of their lives.

Yesterday I was so bummed out by the end of the day. I decided to stay home from church and work on putting a new power window motor on the passenger side window in my car. I had done the drivers side about two years ago and though I knew it was going to be a pain I also knew I'd save about $400 in the three hours or so it would take. Well, six hours after trying all the tricks I knew I could NOT get it to cooperate. On top of that, having kept the door open for six hours the car battery went dead. I optimistically stayed home that morning thinking that by the time everyone got back from church I'd be almost done and I could then do something with the kids.

What bothered me was I had spent the day doing work when I should have spent that time with my kids! It especially hurt when my 5-year-old asked me around 3 p.m., "When we were going for a bike ride?” I had said something about that on Friday night and she remembered it. Now here I am back at work and the weekend is gone.
I have been a stay-at-home dad for several years, but recently re-entered the workforce. I realize now that I'm back at work I can no longer afford to take on repair tasks such as this that will take from my time with the kids. Emergency tasks yes but something like how I spent my day.... not again.

-A Reader

How we manage our time is reflective of what matters to us. I have often told audiences that if you give me your checkbook and your date book, I can tell you what matters to you. Sadly, many of us spend the majority of our time on things that won’t matter tomorrow.

I learned this most important lesson from a student of mine almost 20 years ago. My eldest daughter was a newborn. While I was talking with my student I said, “I wish my wife could be a stay-home mom.”

“She can,” he said. “Just adjust your lifestyle to one income.”

I started to make excuses like, “But we need a dependable car,” (translated – we want a nicer car than the dependable one we have already) or “My daughter needs a safe neighborhood,” (translated – we want to live in a nicer neighborhood than the safe one we live in already) when I realized he was right. I went home that day and talked it over with my wife. We adjusted our lifestyle to my meager income and we basically weaned ourselves from money.
Over the years we haven’t taken too many elaborate vacations, we’ve never had a fancy car, and we live in a modest home. Our kids have always been safe and we have never broken down in our vehicle. We never regretted this decision because we traded those dollars we did not earn and that time we were not away at work for hours of pleasure raising our children. We read hundreds of books, took hundreds of hikes and bike rides, played thousands of games, and we have talked about everything under the sun. Not a bad trade in my opinion.

As this reader points out, even if you can’t stay home all day with your kids, you can manage the time you do have with them. A few less trips to the golf course, and a few less trips to the shopping mall can be traded for a few more bike rides and nature walks. That is a trade we can all make.

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