By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

I'm left-handed; thus, I'm a minority. I don't know if there is an affirmative action program for my “people,” but we should warrant a PBS documentary, a “20-20” episode and at least one Susan Faludi book. But, I bet you won't see Jesse Jackson taking on our cause anytime soon. I hear he only loves righty.

The discrimination starts early for the left-handed person. No left-handed scissors, no left-handed potholders, no left-handed spiral-bound notebooks etc. (unless of course, you can find one of those specialty stores that charges double the price). Even the English language plays against the southpaw. There's such positive terms as “right on”, “Bill of Rights” and “right of way.” You even have Orville and Wilbur Wright.

On the other hand, there's such negative terms as “left-wing politics,” “left-handed compliment” and “He's out in left field.” Old food is “leftovers” and if someone had a bad time at a party, he “left.”

I remember when I started playing baseball as a young child, I had to use my brother's old glove on the wrong hand. To this day, I bat right-handed because no one taught me how to swing the lumber left. Finally, when I was about 12, my parents bought me the proper glove at the Western Auto for $4.90, not including tax. I was the happiest little lefty in the world, realizing that my parents were investing in what could turn out to be a very lucrative future. It was about 20 minutes later when I realized the value of things. My father stopped to fill our Rambler American with gas and the total was $5.45. One tank of gas was worth more than my personal, holy, leather, grail.

Famous left-handers from the musical ranks include Jimi Hendrix, Paul McCartney and Kurt Cobain. Great, two out of three of those killed themselves. Famous lefties in sports include Kenny Stabler, Jimmy Connors, John McEnroe, Martina Navratilova and baseball players too numerous to mention. Baseball plays to the strengths of left-handers more than any other sport (even though only two out of the six infield positions even allow for left-handed players). Our last three presidents have been left-handed, but so where Jack the Ripper and the Boston Strangler.

Writing is the worst for left-handers. Smudging ink and pencil all across the page, the left-hander blocks the view of his own work. (Unless, of course, you are writing in Hebrew or Japanese). I remember when I was going into the third grade my parents wanted me to go into Mrs. West's class because “she knew how to handle left-handers.” To this day, I'm not exactly sure what that meant. I hope it had something to do with writing style.

In the science of brain lateralization, I read recently that the reason people are left-handed is because they have damage or weakness in the natural part (left side) of their brain. The brain compensates by moving part of the processing to the right side, thus the result, a left-handed person. These “experts” say that this is why, many times, twins consist of one left-hander and one right (coincidentally, I have a right-handed twin). The theory is, the stronger twin kicks or hits the weaker on the head (while in the womb) and causes the brain damage needed to make one left-handed. I think my brother also caused the brain damage needed to make me always push when the door says pull.

So what justice is there for the left-hander? Maybe it's knowing that we are often times more sensitive and artistic, or that statistically left-handers have higher IQs. We do statistically die earlier, though. Then again, we might just deserve that, given we are probably the inventors of the left turn.

[Contact Billy Murphy via e-mail at Billy@gretsch.com or visit his homepage at http://billymurphy.homepage.com.]

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