By DAVID EPPS

Guest Columnist

In the past month I have driven just under 3,000 miles. In addition to developing a permanent callous on my backside, I believe I have gained some understanding into that curious sociological event of the 1990s known as “road rage.”

Now, first of all, I must issue a disclaimer stating that never, never — no, not ever — is it permissible, acceptable, or tolerable for emotions to be allowed to gain the upper hand on the highways. There is never an excuse to harm a fellow traveler — at least not unless one is defending his life and property.

Having said that, I believe that I have observed some behaviors that often send even the most passive motorist over the edge. For example, some people are just stupid drivers. There, I said it! I'm not even sorry!

Some people simply cannot, will not, or are too brain-cell-challenged to obey even the simplest rules of the road. For example, I find a tremendous number of people who are apparently unaware that the “passing lane” (the left hand lane) is for cars that are actually passing. They, and there are multitudes of them, travel along in the passing lane blissfully unaware that people behind them would actually like to — pass!

Move over to the right hand lane, you idiot! Er, sorry about that. The right hand lane is for slower traffic, the left for passing. All together now... repeat that, please.

And how about the driver who leaves his turn signal on for at least seven miles before deciding to turn in the opposite direction? Or the motorist that turns on his parking lights (not his head lights) at dawn and at dusk. What the heck is he doing — trying to save energy? Or those that turn their lights on high-beam, never turning them off, blinding every driver between Atlanta and Orlando.

I truly believe that every three years or so, motorists should be subjected to a “refresher course” consisting of simple rules of the road as found in the driver's manual.

Another behavior that tends to bring out the aggression in otherwise calm people is the insistence of some on listening to radios or tape players in such a manner that the noise can be heard 73 miles away.

Recently, I was in a Chinese restaurant, seated at a booth, in Lakeland, Fla. Suddenly, vibrations rumbled through the brick walls and into my booth. The vibrations were so intense that the water in the drinking glass looked like it was in the middle of an earthquake! Patrons looked at each other in wide-eyed terror, wondering, perhaps, if some diabolical entity had arrived to usher in the end of life as we know it. The horrible sound drowned out the mood music that was playing inside the eating establishment.

I quickly pulled back the curtains to look outside and there was a black automobile, windows wide open, stopped at a traffic light, with a bouncing, swaying driver, caught in the throes of decibel ecstasy, blasting the entire community with his brand of noxious music. In that moment, I wanted to pull out a .45 and blow the tape deck into oblivion.

Fortunately, the light changed and the driver went on down the road to afflict someone besides me! But have you ever noticed that such an individual never, ever listens to classical music, gospel, country, or even “oldies”? No, it's always heavy metal or rap, forms of music (so-called) designed to annoy and irritate. Just once, I want to hold my speaker out the window and blast the eyelashes off the other motorist with 100,000 giga-decibels of “Beethoven's Fifth” or at least a powerful arrangement of “A Hard Day's Night.”

And then there are the people who use the automobile as a dressing room, mobile office, and personal grooming space. How many times have you seen someone stopped at a red light digging plaque and debris out of their teeth with a toothpick or a finger nail? Or a man preening himself while looking in the mirror, combing and spraying his hair at 85 miles per hour? Or a lady smearing lipstick on her pursed lips while creeping along at a snail's pace while you are in a tearing hurry? Or the guy in the pickup truck who scrapes the wax out of his ear and then rolls it around between his fingers, before throwing the mess out the window?

Just the other day, I glanced over to the right to see a strikingly beautiful blonde in her early 20s, the picture of feminine beauty... until I noticed her slender index finger buried clear up to the third knuckle in her left nostril. Geeze.

For my wife's part, she is infuriated by certain behaviors as well. For example, people who fail to give a turn signal and then whip their vehicle suddenly across traffic just burn her up. But probably not as much as the people who, a mile before they make their turn, give the signal and begin to slow to 20 miles an hour at least a half-mile before the turn, causing every motorist to slam on the brakes in an effort to avoid a 10-car pileup.

Well, there's my expert — maybe not “expert” — opinion on the causes of road rage. Now, I have to go... I think I left my brush and hair spray in the front seat of the car.

[Father David Epps is rector of Christ the King Church. He may be contacted at CTKCEC@aol.com or at P. O. Box 2192, Peachtree City, GA 30269.

Back to News Home Page | Back to the top of the page