By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

This article is for women. You have to think back to what I would look like young and you should recognize. I was the “Guy Friend.” Not the boyfriend. Just the guy friend. You know, the guy who sat with you in science lab or whatever, the guy who was safe. You know, you could laugh together and go places. But it was always strictly platonic.

Mainly, the guy friend is sorta like the insurance policy for the girl. You got your life insurance, your accidental, your disability and your “No one asked me out Friday night, I can do something with Billy insurance.” But girls, you know you're taking a risk 'cause you know the worst thing that could ever happen, eventually will. The guy friend starts to like you.

This is like one of those chemical spills out in the ocean. You know the ones where 10 gallons of chemicals spill into a 300-square-mile bay and pollutes the whole thing. I mean, 'cause once the “I like you” is out there, it's over. The convenient, self-serving relationship, for you, is history.

That's why you girls try to prevent it when you see it coming. This is when the guy starts turning everything said into compliments and little displays of affection, no matter how lame they are. And we know they are lame, 'cause if he was any good at this, he wouldn't be a guy friend to begin with.

You know the drill — you are discussing a math test, for instance, and you say something like, “Boy, those algebra problems were hard.” And he returns something like, “Yeah, those figures were bad, too, but yours still looks great!” No matter how you try to get him off the subject of liking you, he has a comeback.

A typical conversation would be like, “Hey, Billy, did you see the fireworks show this weekend?” “No, but I don't need to you, you are all the fireworks I need.” Then you return, “But, uh... I hear a guy caught on fire and burned up.” “I know how that is, I feel the same way when I am around you.” “But... uh... an ambulance came and everything... “ (how's he gonna twist this one around?) “Oh yeah? Well, we should get married and become doctors one day, so we could be a pair a medics together.”

So, anyway, no matter how hard you try, he finally says it and it is over. “I like you.” When that happens you girls go into Code Red status.

The United States Department of Defense has nothing on you girls. Once the guy issues the “I like you,” he is never gonna get within sight distance of you again. You have your girlfriends running interference. You got your mom screening phone calls. You've got a tracking device hidden somewhere on his body so you can trace his every move electronically to assure he never gets to you.

That's always why you give us something at the beginning of the friendship. It's seemingly something insignificant, like a prom picture of you and your boyfriend or you lend him your pen and tell him to keep it. The items are the latest in espionage technology. Just in case the “I like you” is ever issued.

I mean, I was friends with like four or five girls in high school and I told them, “I like you.” I have never seen a single one of them, ever again. I am like the pubescent mafia and they are like in the witness protection program of adolescence.

But at least I do have that one phrase to hold on to, that I should have known would prevent anything from every happening. “Oh, Billy, you're so nice!”

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