Suicide is the secret that won't keep and shouldn't be kept, says Kathy Bruce.

The young Fayetteville mother of two has firsthand experience with the price of secrecy. Her 36-year-old husband Marty took his own life five years ago, while she was pregnant with their daughter, McLain, now 4. Now Kathy Bruce does everything she can to help prevent suicides, and to comfort and help those who have lost friends and family members to suicide.

She facilitates a Survivors of Suicide (SOS) group at Fayetteville First United Methodist Church and is active with SPAN, the Suicide Prevention Advocacy Network. SPAN is working to initiate programs in schools at the youngest levels, Bruce says, because children need to learn at an early age to use "coping skills," whether known by that name or not, to get them through many of life's tough situations.

"So many suicides are preventable," Bruce says, "but so little is being done." She says she has been able to admit to herself that she was "almost as sick as Marty," because she knew that he was chronically depressed "and I didn't know how to deal with it, or what to do to help."

Though Marty's father had committed suicide, Bruce says, family members seldom talked of their loss or sought outside help. The five siblings surviving Marty's death tried to help each other, she added, but an older sister committed suicide three years before Marty did.

She couldn't say whether the tendency toward suicide is "genetic or environmental," Bruce says, "but it has been documented that if a family member or close friend has committed suicide, then you are at a higher risk for an attempt to take your own life."

The reluctance to talk about it, and to get help, is not the only damaging secrecy, Bruce asserts.

"My husband was a master at hiding his problems. He worked out of our home as a sales representative for a Chicago company, so it was easy to hide his emotions. He was manic depressive, but not diagnosed with this bipolar disorder until just before he died. We paid the medical bills for all of his treatments, rather than using our insurance, just being so afraid that someone would find out," she adds.

She got through Marty's death with "lots of support from my family and friends, God's help, and lots and lots of SOS meetings," says Bruce. She talked about her loss, and now encourages others to do so. Friends and family may tire of your story, she adds, "but if you attend an SOS meeting, you can tell it in safety to other people who have had the same experience."

The vivid details of dealing with a suicide loss fade after a while, she says. Kathy can't remember some details now, unless she is reminded by hearing others tell their stories, and then she "revisits some of the stages of grief, but that's healthy." Somehow you find the strength to go on, and get better, she adds, but there are many places along the way where help is needed.

There are "stages" of a suicide process too, she adds. There's the time "before," which is particularly critical for young people. While suicide is the eighth leading cause of death nationwide, it is the third cause in people ages 15-24 and the fourth cause in children 10 to 14. It's the "impulsivity" of young people that is often the problem, she says.

"I can't stress this enough," she says. "If you have young people in your house, don't have a firearm. It has nothing to do with gun control. It has to do with not making it easy for a child to commit suicide. If they have to look hard enough for the means, the moment passes. Don't even keep a firearm locked up where they know where it is; don't fool yourself they can get to it."

And if you doubt your youngster would ever actually commit suicide, that may be an illusion, Kathy says, because "with kids, there is no 'profile.'"

She says she is constantly shocked at how little attention people will pay to the problem of suicide. People think they are not affected by it, but the ripples spread out into a community in uncounted ways.

If the schools are to become proactive with a whole generation of children who have been exposed to suicide in movies, on television, in their families or among their friends, "it will have to come from parents," Bruce says. And parents must understand that even if their own children do not contemplate suicide, their children's friends might, "and that places their kids at risk, not just for suicide, but for not knowing what to do, who to talk to, if their friends tell them they are thinking of ending their lives," she adds.

Bruce stresses that there is a difference between "the holiday blues" and the kind of depression that may lead to suicide. If depression persists for more than two weeks, get help, she adds. The young mother also says that about a third of suicides involve "alcohol or drug abuse." She contends that the use of those substances may be a form of "self-medication" against the depression or anxiety that can ultimately result in suicide.

"I do think that schools are already doing things that I would consider to be teaching those coping skills," Bruce says. "Programs like 'Positive Action' and the video presentations on handling childhood abuse are helping children develop ways of thinking that will help them in later years. I do wonder sometimes whether parents realize that because we do have a great educational system in Fayette County, there is a lot of pressure on the children to perform. These kids need outlets, places to talk; they may keep a lot bottled up inside, and there is not a lot you can do unless the kids ask for help.

"And usually, they ask their friends. Will the schools help those friends know what to do in cases like that? I think the system has the money, it's just a matter of deciding where to spend it. Counselors have access to information on the accessibility and affordability of mental health services. I believe also that we need a grass-roots parent organization to start active suicide-prevention programs in the upper grades."

Bruce says the recent SPAN convention in Las Vegas revealed a project she hopes to do for Fayette County. High-tech processes are used to place memorial photographs of suicides onto quilt squares; she says the quilts she saw were "very emotionally moving." More than 100 of the quilts will be displayed on The Mall in Washington, D.C., in May.

Bruce can be reached for more information at 770-719-9893, or on the Internet at SSURVIVOR4@aol.com.