Family gatherings. Tokens of thanks and gifts of joy. Food overflowing the tables. Logs crackling softly in distance. Holidays trigger happy memories with every sight and sound.

But it is precisely at these happy times when the loss of a loved one can be felt the strongest. It is a time to remember what is missing.

"Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, the holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness for many people who have experienced death," according to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, noted author and grief educator.

"Since love does not end with death, holidays can renew this sense of personal grief a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living. And, though society encourages everyone to join in the holiday spirit, it can be hard, as memories of the one who has died come rushing back with full force."

In addition to clergy, many people turn to their community funeral home director for information on coping with grief. Funeral directors continue their services beyond the funeral itself and are excellent resource for books, free pamphlets, seminars, workshops and special programs around the holidays.

No simple guidelines exist to take away hurt, but some things can be done to help people better cope with grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of year. Healing is a personal experience that takes time. So be tolerant and compassionate with yourself as you continue to heal.

Talk about your grief. Ignoring it won't make it go away. And, talking about your grief openly may make you feel better. Surround yourself with caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging you. And talk candidly about the person who was a special part of your life, including their name in your conversations and embracing your memories of them.

Be tolerant of your physical or psychological limits. It is natural to become fatigues by feelings of loss. And, well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you when you're grieving. Instead of going along with their plans, respect what your body and mind are telling you and do what is right for you during the holidays.

Plan ahead for family gatherings. Anticipate holiday activities and structure your time, rather than simply reaching to what happens. Getting caught off-guard can create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during a time when feelings of grief are already heightened. Decide ahead of time which family traditions your would like to continue and which new ones you would like to begin.

Renew your resources for living. The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and assessing your individual situation. Use this time to define the positive things in life that surround you.

And finally, as you approach any holiday, birthday or special time, remember that grief is both necessary and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Don't let anyone take your grief away or try to distract yourself by "keeping busy." This will only increase your stress. Spend some special time alone, but don't isolate yourself from others. Think of your loved one often, and laugh, smile or cry with family and friends.

For more information on understanding and coping with grief, contact your local funeral home director or visit www.batesville.com.

Dr. Wolfelt serves as director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colo., and has authored several books on understanding and coping with grief. He also developed the Honoring Family Choices Program for bringing more meaning into the funeral service, in conjunction with Bateville Casket Company.

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