John Hatcher

Religion Columnist

Vince Lombardi counseled his football players that upon taking a ball into the end zone to score a touchdown, don't act like you've never been there before.

That bit of wise counsel came to mind as I saw a sign on Brooks-Woolsey Road indicating "Church Zone" (it refers to Antioch Baptist Church where Dr. Elton Johnson, a truly great man of God, serves as pastor). Since we're approaching the season when many people find themselves in the "church zone" perhaps for the first time this year, let me offer counsel on how to behave so as not to tip off folks that this is a rare event for you.

Upon entering the big room, remember to sit in the back rows. Nothing has changed since you were last there. The high price seats in the church zone are always in the rear far away from the spit zone.

If you can remember what you put in the offering plate the last time you were there, put just about the same amount. Giving hasn't gone up much, if any. Additionally, when pulling your two dollars out of your wallet,

look extremely pained. That's how most folks feel or look.

Take a Bible with you. Doesn't matter if it is used or not. Also, forget it and leave it in the pew. That's what the regulars do Sunday after Sunday.

Also, to act like you've been there frequently, once or twice give out a shudder or even take off your suit coat. Regulars are always letting the powers-that-be know that it's too cool or too warm in the sanctuary.

When the music leader asks you to open your hymnal to such and such a number, pretend like you don't know what's happening and for anonymity's sake, don't act like you enjoy singing. That would be an automatic tipoff that you are a rare guest.

While the message is being delivered, some suggested activities are: write out your gift list for Christmas, buff your nails, or count any ceiling tiles in sight. No one will ever think you're there for the first time.

Upon the saying of the final prayer or benediction - whichever comes last - make a straight line for the nearest exit, preferably the one not blocked by the minister, and then make a straight line to your automobile. Everyone will assume you're just one of the faithful, fast flock.

If, in reading this column, you have an eerie sense that truth may be just around the corner, you could be in the "church zone."

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