By BILLY MURPHY
Laugh Lines

This will be very difficult but I am not going to write about the Clinton-Lewinsky debacle in this article. Even though everyone is talking, writing, singing and dreaming about the whole situation the last few days, I am going to practice abstinence. Too bad someone else didn't. Oops! See how hard this is going to be?

Now I have to think of other things to write about other than our president, the poster boy for Viagra. Because of my journalistic prudence and discipline, I cannot make all the jokes I would like about Linda Tripp, who I tend to get confused with my Uncle Gordon who dresses up to look like Boy George. Nor can I ride the wave of typicality with jokes about Paula Jones, the woman whose Bioré strips require a prescription and a building permit.

I guess I should write about my trip to Los Angeles this past week. I had Malibu Barbecue; that's something to write about. No lie, they have a barbecue restaurant in Malibu, Calif. I didn't think they even allowed pork in the state. They have banned leaf blowers, smoking and pretty much anything politically incorrect, so what am I to think?

I took some work associates out for lunch and we discussed guitars, movies and the fact that our President of the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world, is just one step from being a Jerry Springer guest!

It's difficult doing much else these days other than watching CNN. I wish I had bought stock before this past Monday night's speech that I am not going to comment on. I should have bought stock in the network that had millions watching as some certain world leader discussed his dissatisfaction with the equally tedious tasks of answering grand jury inquiries and keeping his pants on. I should have bought stock in CNN the company that can't resist, as I can, capitalizing on the steamy, seamy, plights of others.

Shame on you, CNN, for using such a sad situation for boosting your ratings higher than a Monica Lewinsky man conquest. I mean, once you have been with a president, the rest of your dating experiences pretty much fall short. But I won't elaborate. This is not the focus of my article.

I need to write about the new "Avengers" movie, not as a critic but as a humanitarian. It's the first movie I have walked out on in three years. It is the worst movie I have ever seen. It is boring, stupid, and poorly filmed. It is lacking in dialogue, humor, mystery, plot, adventure, action, and anything remotely interesting.

I was so mad, as I left, I slapped every theater worker I could find. Hey, I paid six bucks to see that movie and I figure that entitles me to do whatever I want. Okay, so I'm frustrated; it's not like I have my own personal Oval Office.

It's difficult not writing without mentioning the event. I just hate being predictable, typical, common and routine. Anyone with his eyes shut and his mind blank could write an article on this subject. And I think I just did.