The real battle of the sexes

I have discovered what the real “battle of the sexes” is in our day. It’s not over money, intimacy, or communication as most would have us believe. It’s not over how the kids will be raised or disciplined or where the family will go to church, or even whose in-laws the family will spend Christmas Day with. No, it’s more basic than all these. The modern Battle of the Sexes is over who will control the thermostat.

This all became clear a few weeks ago when a number of people in our congregation were involved in a class at our Parish House. I, frankly, was roasting. I had been all evening. Finally, I asked, “Is anybody besides me hot?” Two men said, “I’m dying here!” and “I’m burning up.” One woman said, “I’m comfortable,” to which all the other women gave assent, except one. She said, “I’m freezing!” I checked the temperature on the thermostat. It was 80 degrees in the house. Eighty degrees!

This pattern is repeated on Sunday mornings. In our church, the clergy and worship ministry are all vested. That is, we wear albs (white robes) and other symbols of our responsibility and office. We are always too hot. We sweat in the summer, in the winter, and during the seasons in between. To add to our discomfort, there are extra groupings of lights near where we sit and minister, so it’s always August in Atlanta for those who are vested.

But in the congregation, most of the men are too warm while the bulk of the women “are freezing.” I have since discovered that this pattern holds true for Catholics, Baptists, Lutherans, Methodists, Presbyterians, and snake handlers in Newport, Tenn. The snake handlers don’t complain, however, because they have other things to worry about besides the thermostat.

I suppose it has always been so. If man ever lived in caves and discovered fire, he found the fire because the cave women “were freezing.” For his trouble, he got to eat roasted rhino tails which, I hear, are much better roasted than raw. Why did man climb mountains and discover the North and South Poles? To get cool because the women kept the house too blazing hot. Why do men fly into space? Because they control the thermostat on their space craft. At least they did until women began to become astronauts. I wonder if those space suits have little personal thermostats? If not, I bet the men are roasting up there why the women “are freezing.”

I used to think that, in the old days, men sat on one side of the church and women on the other because the church was a patriarchal, male-dominated institution and this was one way of putting women in their place. Now, I realize, in the days prior to air conditioning, the women were probably sitting on the side where the sun shone in through the glass while the men sat on the shady side and opened the windows.

Someone told me that there are now special mattresses that have heating or cooling devices on each side of the mattress. That way, the women can bake in a blanket while the men can turn their side to “cool,” kick off the covers, and sleep under the fan with the air conditioning turned down to 66.

I am a pastor, a loving shepherd of the flock, so I am aware of the discomfort of people and it grieves and troubles me. Each Sunday, I see men taking off their coats, untying their ties, and fanning themselves with the bulletin in a frantic attempt to cool down. Each Sunday, I see the women shiver as though caught in a blizzard in North Dakota in January. In the meantime, those of us at the front who are vested, just sweat consistently throughout the year.

I wonder if pre-marital classes ever deal with the problem of the thermostat? Do marriage counselors ever discuss this issue with battling couples? Are teens really in rebellion or are they just too hot or cold (depending upon their gender) and, not knowing why they are miserable, color their hair green and pierce the most sensitive body parts imaginable? Is the modern obsession with tattoos an attempt on the part of men to pierce the skin with needles and vent off excess heat? Or in the case of women, to add a layer of warmth by inserting ink?

I must confess that I don’t have the answer to the problem; it’s a mystery to me. But here’s my best advice: When going to church, guys, leave the suit jacket or sports coat at home. Don’t wear a tie. Wear short sleeves. Maybe even wear a golf shirt so you can leave a couple of buttons unbuttoned. Bring one of those little hand-held, battery operated fans. Ladies, wear a sweater. We can either do that or we can all move to Newport, Tennessee where they handle snakes and don’t give one thought during church to the thermostat!