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The joke’s on news

By MICHAEL BOYLAN

Think of this column as a monologue for a late night talk show. In fact, if you don’t think it’s that funny, read it again at about 11:30 p.m. and you may feel differently.

• A 22-pound lobster named Bubba died last Wednesday after being moved from a fish market in Nantucket to the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium. Scientists think the cause of death was Bubba’s placement in a pot of scalding water. In lieu of flowers, the zoo is asking people to send butter and those cute little bibs.

• Millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett completed a non-stop, 23,000-mile flight around the world last week. The hardest part of the trip, according to Fossett, was getting through security with a pair of nail clippers.

• The U.S. military is developing a weapon that delivers a bout of excruciating pain from afar to use against protesters and rioters. It’s called Ashlee Simpson’s second album.

• A man accused of taking salad he hadn’t paid for from a Chuck E. Cheese salad bar was hit with a stun gun by members of the Aurora, Colo., police department. Officers received 25 tickets for the direct hit and traded them in for an orange kazoo and three Tootsie Rolls.

• Newsweek Magazine got in trouble last week for superimposing Martha Stewart’s head on a body of a model to illustrate what she might look like after five months in prison. It’s hard to believe they didn’t think that anyone would notice since they used the body of Scott Petersen.

• A former public relations specialist who briefly worked for Michael Jackson testified that members of Jackson’s inner circle stated that they would make the plaintiff’s mother look like a crack whore. On the flip side, prosecuting attorney Tom Sneddon stated that he was going to make Michael Jackson look like ... Michael Jackson.

• State Representative Pete Warren introduced a bill in the Georgia House of Representatives which would legalize noodling, which is wrestling fish out of the water with your bare hands. Several death row inmates expect their sentences to be overturned.

• After years as the butt of many jokes, residents in Columbia, Md., are petitioning to change at least the spelling of their street, Satan Wood Drive. If they are successful, it is expected that residents of Adolph Hitler Way will follow suit.

• The Army is in danger of missing its annual recruiting target this year. It is estimated they will have to recruit 80,000 soldiers this year to replace the ones leaving the service. One of the suggestions being tossed about is to invade and occupy a Six Flags. The reason for the invasion is expected to be that the Great American Scream Machine is believed to be a Weapon of Mass Destruction.