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Our Mike interviews Santa Claus

By MICHAEL BOYLAN

I had been trying to arrange this interview for practically my entire life. At times I thought I had made it at last, only to find out that it was just one of “Santa’s helpers” and the “North Pole” was really the mall.

When the jolly old elf entered the little Italian restaurant that I had reserved for early that afternoon, I was struck by how small he was, compared to what I had always imagined.

He wasn’t a huge, morbidly obese man in red, but rather a husky fellow in blue jeans and flannel. He had the white hair and beard, the spectacles and flushed red cheeks, but he looked just like a regular guy.

I stood up as he approached the table, shook his hand, and shook like a bowl full of jelly. I was very nervous, as it is not often that one gets to meet a legend like this. I had to gulp down half of my water in order to get my first question out.

Michael: So, Santa, how are preparations for this Christmas going?

Santa: Oh, ho-ho-ho, Michael. They are going very, very well. I have a lot of good help and we’ll be right on time, just like always.

M: That’s great. You haven’t heard of anyone trying to steal Christmas or kidnap you and steal your sleigh or anything?

S: No. no. And believe me, I’d know if there were any threats out there. Santa has become more sophisticated in recent years. After 9-11, the North Pole got outfitted with all sorts of of up-to-date technology. Plus, I have people who work closely with the FBI, the CIA, Interpol and the like. Nothing is going to happen to Santa. Ho-ho-ho.

M: You have a great laugh. Do you have lots to be happy about?

S: Of course I do. I have the best job in the world. I get to deliver toys to all the good children in the world. Nobody makes the world happier than me and, in turn, that makes me very happy.

M: But what about the fact that every year less and less people believe in you. Don’t you find that upsetting?

S: No. That’s what makes me more magical. I mean, I don’t appreciate an older sibling telling his kid brother or sister that I’m not real, but every day someone new is born and my story gets told all over again. The people who truly believe, their belief is so strong, it’s just amazing. It’s what makes me who I am.

M: I see. And what about people who complain that you are a distraction from the birth of Jesus, the “reason for the season?”

S: Well, I don’t mean to be a distraction and honestly, I think there’s room for both of us. It’s not a competition. Parents should teach their children about what they feel the holiday is about. I respect that. I’m not trying to undermine anybody.

M: Let’s talk about the legend that is Santa.

S: OK.

M: You live in the North Pole?

S: Yes.

M: Is this the exact North Pole or is it in the general vicinity?

S: Do you mean do I live in Canada?

M: I guess.

S: No. It is the absolute North Pole. It really discourages people from stopping by and ruining the surprise. You can’t really get there very easily. Many greedy people have died trying. Ho-ho-ho.

M: OK. What about the elves? Where do they come from?

S: Well, you see when a mommy elf and a daddy elf - love each other -

M: No. I mean, originally. Where did you first find the elves and think, Hey, good labor source?

S: Ahh, well, I did a lot of traveling in my younger days, pre-Santa, and I met a couple of elves in Europe who made nifty little contraptions. They have small fingers, so they’re really good at it.

Anyway, we go out one one night, polish off a couple of bottles of wine and start talking about how we want to do great things in life. We decide that we have to do what suits our talents best and we take my being magic, mix in my love of travel and my desire to make people happy, add the fact that elves make toys and - bada bing - Santa Claus and his elves.

M: What about the reindeer?

S: They’re just your normal, average, everyday reindeer, sprinkled with a bit of magic.

M: Rudolph really has a nose that glows like a lightbulb?

S: Yes. I don’t know how it happened, but I have to say I’m glad it did. That little guy brought us some much needed attention after World War II.

M: Do you really fly around the world all in one night and, if so, how is it possible?

S: Oh boy, I get this one all the time. OK, here it is. You have to factor in time zones, the fact that not everybody celebrates Christmas and also the fact that there are always quite a few people on the naughty list. Oh, yes, and did I mention I’m magic? Anything that little Potter kid and his friends can do, I can do better. Turn back time, invisibility, yada, yada, yada.

M: And what about Mrs. Claus?

S: What about her?

M: It must take a very special lady to be the wife of Santa Claus.

S: Absolutely. I knew she was the one when I met her in Paris about 200 years ago.

M: Is she magic too?

S: Well, everybody who lives at the North Pole is magic. Mrs. Claus can bake 1,000 cookies a day for the elves and not break a sweat. That’s magic, you know.

M: Do you listen to anything special in your sleigh while making deliveries? Anything to keep your energy and spirits up?

S: Well I don’t listen to Christmas carols if that’s what you’re asking. I get a little sick of those because the elves insist on playing them year round to keep them in the spirit. They’ve got tiny brains so it doesn’t drive them crazy. I like to listen to all sorts of things. Right now, I’m listening to Jay-Z and Linkin Park, the new U2 album and Diana Degarmo.

M: Really?

S: I can’t help it. I like her and that “Don’t Cry Out Loud,” really gets to me sometimes.

M: Well, you obviously watch “American Idol.” How else do you spend your free time?

S: I try out all the new toys and games. I love my Playstation 2 and I enjoy reading. You should pick up “The Curious Incident of the Dog at Night,” if you haven’t read it already. I cook, go on-line and I still like to travel. No point living in the world if you don’t open your eyes and see it.

M: Let’s go back to the naughty list. Any surprises on it this year?

S: No. I mean, I’m not surprised. I knew who would most likely be on it. Ron Artest, Scott Petersen, Barry Bonds, no real surprises there.

M: I’m not on it, am I?

S: Ho-ho-ho, no. You didn’t do anything really naughty and if you did, you truly felt remorse and repented. That’s all Santa asks.

M: How long have you been doing this?

S: Almost a thousand years, I think.

M: Do you have another thousand in you?

S: Absolutely.

M: Well, Santa, I know you’re very busy this time of year. Thank you for your time.

S: You’re welcome, Michael. Merry Christmas. Oh, and sorry I never got you that drum set for Christmas all those years ago.

M: That’s OK.

S: Well, I guess I’ll bring one to your son in a couple of years.

M: No! I mean, you don’t have to do that. Really.

S: OK, then, Merry Christmas, Michael!

M: Merry Christmas, Santa.