The Cookout: Nothing cooking

By Michael Boylan

Urban comedies have had a good deal of success at the box office over the years. Movies like “Friday,” “Half-Baked,” “Barbershop” and “Undercover Brother” exceeded box office expectations and did well with both critics and audiences. “The Cookout” is not even in the same universe as any of those films. It is likely the worst movie of the year and it may quite possibly be the worst movie I have ever seen in my life (and I’ve seen “Boggy Creek II: The Legend Continues” and “Demolition University” starring Corey Haim).

The plot of “The Cookout” revolves around Todd Anderson, a nice young man from a lower class neighborhood being chosen as the number one pick in the basketball draft. Todd’s in line to make a lot of money now and he experiences some problems in the form of gold-digging girlfriends and jealous former classmates. When he moves into a luxurious gated community, he is pestered by an eager security guard played by Queen Latifah and stuck-up racist neighbors played by Danny Glover and Farrah Fawcett. If that plot sounded lucid and loaded with potential for humor, it’s not. Without a doubt, “The Cookout” is the worst movie all three of those actors have ever been associated with. I imagine that all three of them had made deals with the Devil and this was their payment.

And yes, it really was that bad.

Every actor, top to bottom, gave their worst performance ever. Part of the blame can go to an incredibly lame and often racist script. Every secondary character, from Todd’s cousin, a single mother with three kids and at least two different fathers, to Todd’s hick cousins, his fat cousins, the gay German chefs, the lame, racist white neighbor and her Uncle Tom husband and, the worst of the bunch, the gangster and his “smoked himself retarded” co-hort, were just horrible stereotypes that need to be debunked and not glorified on the big screen. The dialogue was extremely hokey in places and never once funny.

I seriously don’t think there was one joke in the movie. I think they just wanted the audience to laugh at premises and half baked characterizations. It is hard to believe that even when three people team up to write the story and another three team up to write the screenplay, it can still be an utter and complete failure.

The lion’s share of the blame should go to director Danny Rivera who made his directing debut with this movie and should now hang up his directing cap forever. Having directed a few student films and several theatrical productions myself, I found myself wondering how Rivera could actually call “print that,” meaning that the take was good enough for film on a majority of scenes. Perhaps he had just given up early in the process. The movie did have a reek of defeat to it, seeming to say, “Well, some people may enjoy this.” And some people might, if they are lobotomized or too weak to seize the remote and change the channel.

You’re probably thinking, “It can’t really be that bad. Mike’s actually daring us to go see this.” I’m not. Stay away from this movie. If enough people actually pay to see this, they may try to concoct a sequel that could only be worse. I shudder to think of the possibilities.

I’ll close with a relevant quote from a movie that a lot of people consider to be bad, though it looks like “The Godfather” in comparison.

“Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

“Billy Madison”

No stars