With microwave popcorn, a little caution goes a long way

By John Munford

The instructions on the bag are in plain English: “Do not leave unattended.”

“Popping times may vary depending upon wattage of microwave oven.”

Unfortunately, these warnings go largely unheeded.

Scores of people all over this great nation of ours are burning popcorn into piles of charred debris, ruining air quality in offices throughout the land.

A scholarly person might try to frame this as a disorder. SMODSEI, for example, which if course is: “Straying from the Microwave Once Distracted by Something Else Interesting” disorder.

But you and I know better. It’s carelessness. And it must stop.

I’ve had my share of brain cramps when it comes to the kitchen. Who can forget the exploding Coke can in the freezer? Took a good 10 minutes to wipe away the mess.

The malodorous scent of burning popcorn, however, can’t be scrubbed from the air. No amount of “Country Breeze” air freshener will mask the stench.

Air freshener actually makes burned popcorn odor worse because you get a brief whiff of a pleasant smell, only to have your hopes extinguished by the rotten odor that never really goes away.

Even 12 hours after a good mess of burned popcorn, the pungent after-effects of the smell still hit your nose like a ton of bricks. Burned popcorn particles must have the half-life of plutonium.

If I were a legislator I’d fix it this problem in a jiffy, make it a misdemeanor. Instead, we’ll have to make this change one office at a time.

To all prospective popcorn poppers I present the Popcorn Poppers Protected Zone (PPPZ). It is a two square foot area directly in front of the microwave where you are to stand, without fail, from the moment you hit the start button on the zapper until your popped kernels are extracted in a non-burned state.

The PPPZ may be marked off with duct tape, crime scene tape or other fashionable decoration, but it must be highly visible.

Furthermore, dear poppers, when you set the timer in the microwave, please do NOT set it for five minutes. Such a lengthy popping time is sure to produce popcorn that looks like broken asphalt.

No one can pay attention to a microwave that long, especially with Fox News LIVE! blaring on the TV in the office kitchen.

Start with popping times of two or two and a half minutes and cook it a little more if necessary. If you can pay attention that long, your popcorn will roughly be “done” once the popping slows down significantly; if so, halt the cooking process immediately!

Please, if you or a loved one have been affected by burned popcorn emissions, please pass these recommendations along. If we all fight the good fight, circulate petitions, start a calling chain, repeal the 52nd amendment, we might convince the agriculture industry to breed us a few fields’ worth of burn-proof popping corn.

And thank you for your support.