Who would have thought the teaming of two of Hollywood’s
most popular space creatures would pair up for the biggest comedy
of the summer? “Alien Vs Predator” isn’t supposed
to be funny, but unfortunately it is a laughable mess.
Forget everything you know about the contrived mythology of
either monster. Some nut that has read one too many Erich Von
Daniken books has reinvented them both. Suffice to say that earth
is just a convenient hunting ground for the Predator people to
test their mettle against the serpent hoards of slimy, long-headed
aliens.
You see, zillions of years ago when Antarctica was a lovely,
grass covered continent, the barely barbaric humanoids were visited
by the dreaded dread locked Predators from another planet and
taught to behave like Aztecs or Egyptians or Mayans or whatever.
They went crazy with the hieroglyphics and the virgin sacrifices
and every 100 years, Predator and Co. would show up to see how
their little experiment was going.
Before they left they would have a little alien implant session
and chase the dimwitted humans and the drooling aliens and whatever
else got in their way until nothing was left but a bad script.
Then they went back to their own planet and had a few beers.
Is any of this making sense?
Flash forward to today when that crazy Antarctica is now totally
iced over. Some nosy humans with too much money discover a pyramid
1,000 feet under the arctic ice and decide to investigate.
A super team of experts is quickly assembled and makes their
way down to the frozen find via a giant tunnel bored overnight
to save the explorers and us a lot of time.
They all slide down the big hole and crawl around inside the
huge pyramid getting more lost than “The Three Stooges in
Outer Space.” Luckily. Mr. I Know Everything About Ancient
Cultures is along deciphering the history of this movie for us.
I kept waiting for one of his colleagues to turn and say, “Shut
up!” but they didn’t have that many lines.
Anyway, it all ends up that Mountain Climber Woman befriends
the last predator standing and escapes to the surface with it.
The big mama alien with the huge head shield closely follows
them and her gnarly tail skewers poor, ugly predator guy. The
hunt is over.
I couldn’t care less about the over-rated Predator films,
but Alien does not deserve to be in this mega-flop. Ridley Scott’s
expertly paced original is still one of the all time greatest
science-fiction films. The sequels are fun and somewhat uneven,
but they are nowhere near as lame as “A v s. P”, as
it is coming to be known.
The old retractable mouth with the hissing and the drooling
and the thing is tired. That just doesn’t get it nowadays.
And the Predator just looks like a Rastafarian football player
from space with some really keen knives and ninja stars. His
invisibility shield is right up there with Wonder Woman’s
airplane. Lame!
Lance Hendrickson, who plays Mr. Money Bags in search of one
last great adventure before he croaks, must have needed a quick
paycheck.
You know those Hollywood types; always doing whatever it takes
to sustain their lives of semi-luxury. Isn’t it nice that
they have the gullible movie-going public to pay their mountainous
mortgages?
Lance coughs and hacks his way through this film looking especially
gaunt. He must have seen the script. What else could make somebody
that sick?
