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Important notes for new parents

By Rick Ryckeley
Contributing Writer

Soon we will have another addition to our family. No, The Wife is not expecting. Big Brother James is; well, his wife is. Another little girl will soon be bouncing their way.

James doesn’t need any help on what to do when baby arrives (he just had a little girl two years ago), but you soon-to-be parents out there might. Unlike computers, digital cameras, or plasma televisions, babies don’t come with instruction, ya know. So here are just a few of the many helpful things yours truly has learned being a dad.

When changing baby boys, you need two diapers, not one. Don’t ask why, just trust me on this and get the second one ready when you’re changing the first. Babies will spit up if they are sick, happy, excited to see you after you’ve worked a ten-hour day, when they sit on Dad’s shoulders hanging onto his hair watching a parade go by, right after drinking their first Coke, if they’re spun around too much or thrown up in the air too many times.

Babies can scream and cry so loudly that the neighbors will complain to animal control that you are torturing stray cats again. For you soon-to-be new moms, if you have long hair, cut it now. If you want to know the reason, just refer to the paragraph above. For you soon-to-be new dads, work as much overtime as you can now. Diapers are expensive, and your new bundle of joy will soon go through a pant load. Sorry about that one.

Also expensive are baby toys, strollers, car seats, the “must have” designer baby furniture, baby outfits, baby pictures and new shirts for you (refer to the second paragraph above). Special Note: On the side of the diaper box, it reads “5 to 10 pounds.” This is NOT how much the diaper must weight before you change it.

Sesame Street comes on twice during the day, at two and four, and Cookie Monster is by far the coolest. When the phone rings, baby thinks it’s the signal to be REALLY LOUD. Nap time for baby means nap time for Mom. After speaking baby talk all day, when you go out shopping, remember you’re talking to adults. Baby sisters aren’t paid nearly enough and, for that matter, neither are new moms. Very important for new dads: when you get home, take over watching baby for a while so your wife can get out of the house and have some down time. Believe it or not, running around taking care of baby all day will wear her out.

As baby gets a little older and moves out of your room into the nursery, get a radio monitor. When baby learns to walk, make sure you lock the bathroom door, and before you take a shower, double check to make sure it’s locked. After weeks of encouragement, you and your wife will cheer to baby’s first step, and then you’ll spend the next five years saying, “Stop running in the house,” “Quit jumping on the furniture,” and my favorite, “Can’t you stand still for one minute?”

Grandparents will feed your kids the very same junk food they wouldn’t feed you when you were a kid, then give them back to you all sugared up. We all have the same amount of energy as a toddler who can run around for hours without being tired. The only difference is that for adults, the energy is spread out over a larger body and we don’t last as long. At least that’s my theory. When was nap time again?

You will become a more alert driver because of baby even when baby is still at home with Mom. There’s no telling how many new parents out there are driving around with only three hours of sleep each night. Safety Note: Babies should be placed in the center of the back seat and ride facing the rear of the car for the first 12 months and until they reach 20 pounds.

You’re not out of the woods when baby gets out of diapers, either. Case in point: check all pockets BEFORE you wash. You’ll be interested in what you’ll find, and it will save you from buying new pants or a new washer. In pockets you will find little green army men, an assortment of hard candy, M&M’s, Gummy Bears, one piece of gum, a whole pack of gum, marbles, jacks, small rocks, large rocks, dirt clods, and my favorite thing to find in pockets: live little green lizards.

Then again, if you want a new washing machine, don’t check the pockets. The story about our new washer is coming next week.