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I, Instigator

By Rick Ryckeley
Contributing Writer

On all vacation trips I was the instigator.ÊGuess that’s why I was the only one who got yelled at.

Growing up we had two vehicles: Dad’s old rusty van he used for his furniture business and the family car, er, station wagon.Ê It was really cool, though, all green with faux wood panels, and it was certainly big enough for all of us.

Only Dad drove us on road trips. I asked him once during one of our rare bathroom breaks why he didn’t let Mom drive.ÊMy motive was simple: I knew that Mom would take more breaks.ÊDad said he just felt we were safer when he drove, which I thought was funny ‘cause Mom drove us everywhere else during the week.

We all had our assigned seats. Dad drove; The Sister was in the front seat sandwiched miserably between him and Mom; I, Instigator always sat in the middle of the second row, and for very good reasons.ÊThe middle of the second seat was the best place for Mom to keep an eye on me, and the best position to be hit by her backhand. When I was growing up, my mom had one wicked backhand; with that thing she could’ve played at Wimbledon!

The rest of the seating order depended on the winner of the rock-paper-scissors-dynamite game.ÊThe winner when we went to Jacksonville was Richard, so he sat in the third row, or as we liked to call it the ‘Way Back’ jump seat, all by himself.ÊThe Way Back was the most desired seat in the station wagon. Whoever sat way back couldn’t sit straight up without his head hitting the roof, and when Dad hit the brakes you’d hit the back window, so Richard was the only person who got to stretch out and sit sideways; he was so lucky.ÊMark and James fought over the next seating with the winner sitting behind Dad, and the loser sitting behind Mom.

While we were growing up, Mom smoked.ÊThat was back when they didn’t realized smoking was really bad for you.Ê(With all the known health risks linked to cigarettes, no one smokes nowadays, do they?)ÊMom smoked all during the road trip and flicked the ashes out the window, which was very considerate of her, except for the fact that our green station wagon with the faux wood panels didn’t have air conditioning and Dad drove with all the windows down.ÊThis meant that whoever sat directly behind Mom would get a face full of hot ashes every now and then.ÊOn the road trip to Jacksonville during the summer of ’71, that lucky person happened to be Mark.

About ten miles away from 110 Flamingo Street, Mom lit one up. I knew what was about to come and started to giggle. Mom turned around and held up her backhand, which immediately stopped the giggling. Five more miles, and she flicked ashes out the window; wind blew them into Mark’s window and hit him right in the face. As he whimpered and wiped hot ashes away, I laughed out loud which started a chain reaction.

Mark punched me in the arm, then James laughed and I punched him in the arm, then Richard laughed, but we couldn’t reach him to punch him so I threw the little green bazooka army man at him.ÊThat was it! Dad pulled over the green station wagon with faux wood panels, and I, Instigator got pulled out of the car by my ear and got yelled at.ÊNot bad, we’d made it almost 15 miles without a pullover.ÊA new record for us.

Long before handheld video games, pulldown flat screens, I Pods, or portable CD players, kids had to entertain themselves while on road trips.ÊWe played games like spot a license plate from every state, find the alphabet in order on bill boards and road signs, and (my favorite) look for the man picking his nose. I, Instigator spotted him driving a big LTD and pointed him out to Mark, who turned to look just in time to see him flick the booger out his window as he passed us and hit Mark right in the face!ÊI laughed, Mark punched me, James laughed, I, Instigator, punched him, a green army man was thrown in the back, Mom followed through with another lighting fast backhand and Dad pulled over.

Nine hours later, six more pullovers, and three precisely-placed backhands from Mom and we eventually made it down to Jacksonville.ÊThe next morning Mark, James, Richard, and The Sister ran and jumped in the ocean, rode waves on half blown up floats, and dug up sand fleas.ÊI, Instigator, sat on the beach and watched.ÊAt about eleven o’clock Mark waded out into the ocean up to his waist, turned, placed his thumbs in his ears, and wiggled his fingers as he stuck out his tongue at me.ÊRight then a huge wave came out of nowhere, crashed down and engulfed him.ÊHe came up coughing, spitting out salt water, and pulling seaweed out of his hair.ÊI laughed so hard I thought I would die, and Mom demonstrated her tennis skills once again.ÊBoy, that year I really believed she could’ve won Wimbledon.