“Catwoman” isn’t the worst movie ever made. It’s
just trying to be the worst. Starting with a bad script and a
director named Pitof, it looked like there was a very good chance
this could be the one. Unfortunately, Halle Berry had to star
as the feline heroine, keeping this mess barely afloat.
After having made history as the first African American woman
to win the best actress Oscar for her touching portrayal in “Monster’s
Ball,” Berry must have felt so invincible she decided to
tackle something a little fluffier. She is the best thing about
this disaster of a movie, but it still makes her look ridiculous.
She looks great in the role. She is a very beautiful woman,
very easy on the eyes. It’s just too bad you are too busy
wincing at every corny line and tired plot twist to really notice
how hard she tries to save this turkey. The characters are silly
to the point of embarrassment. They are an amalgam of leftover
ideas scraped out of the superhero trashcan.
Everything in this story happens too fast. The movie is made
for impatient people. Quick cuts, CGI acrobatics and a plot that
hits the ground running leave no room for suspension of disbelief. “Catwoman” is
all about disbelief. You won’t believe Halle Berry chose
to do this role. You won’t believe Sharon Stone actually
read the script before signing on. You won’t believe that
you actually paid good money to sit through this bomb. Even Ruth
from “Six Feet Under” isn’t spared as a cat-loving
old lady who acts as the Yoda to Halle’s Luke Skywalker.
I knew this was going to be bad going in. I didn’t realize
that there would be nothing to amuse me besides my bag of popcorn.
For all its action and special effects, “Catwoman” just
sits there staring back at you. No one seems to believe what
they are doing. They just go through the motions. Their eyes
seem to be saying, “Get me out of this movie!”
Big budget, flashy films like this usually have some big payoff.
Not here. The deadly makeup scenario is wasted, a subplot that
was utilized in Tim Burton’s “Batman” to much
better effect.
There’s no point in giving specific details about Pitof’s
sappy story. It would only bore you. Imagine that every superhero
movie since “Superman” were put into a blender, pureed
and poured out over its audience and I think you will begin to
get the sensation that you have just seen this cat-astrophe.
Halle says it best when she remarks in her sexy, super-vixen
voice the real explanation for this flop, “My bad.”
