Bad Links?
Other glitches?
Notify Webmaster

How to know if you have Southern blood

By RONDA RICH

Ronda Rich is the author of “What Southern Women Know (That Every Woman Should)” and “My Life In The Pits.” She lives in Gainesville, Ga.

Amazingly, mail steadily streams in from women, who were born and raised outside of the South, yet they claim it was a gross geographical error.

The stork dropped them in the wrong place. These women write that they never felt completely at ease in their society and could never understand why.

Then, they stumbled upon a book about Southern women and suddenly it all becomes clear: They’re Southern women at heart who are living apart from their sisterhood, sequestered in a society where they’re viewed as abnormal.

Surely, there are drops or pints of Southern blood from some grand ancestor dripping through their veins, yet they were never aware that their DNA had been magically blessed.

Those letters, combined with a recent speaking engagement, caused me to sit down and analyze traits of Southern women and how to recognize if you’re a Southern woman at heart.

From the theater stage in West Virginia, I looked out at an audience in which only one Southerner sat. At least, she was the only one who raised her hand and admitted to it.

Mostly, they hailed from Detroit, New York, Chicago and Europe. I thought I was out of my element until I shared how to detect the merest trace of Southern blood.

Repeatedly, the audience broke into applause, nodded vigorously and laughed with recognition. I wrote a hundred but here are a few of them.

You may be a Southern woman at heart, if not in location, if:

• One of the worse days of your life revolved around something that happened to your hair.

• You can reapply lipstick without looking in a mirror.

• You have at least five recipes that call for cream of mushroom soup.

• You know the power of a pucker. Whether it’s a kiss or a pout, you know how to make it work to your advantage.

• You have at least one deviled egg platter.

• Your personal thank-you notes are engraved and scented.

• Your mama has ever taken to her bed because you were dating that boy from that family.

• You judge other women based on the silver patterns they selected.

• You sigh deeply before you tell a story about your mama.

• You have a lifelong circle of girlfriends who cry with you, celebrate with you, pray for you and tell you when you need a new hairstyle.

If you can answer “yes” to all of the following, you are drenched completely in Southern blood:

• You’re over 30 and you still call him “daddy.”

• Before you leave on a trip, your mama always says, “Be sweet.”

• You know what “sitting up with the dead” and “coming up a cloud” means.

• In your cupboard are casserole dishes with masking tape across the bottom and your name written on the tape in black magic marker.

• “Bless your heart” is the most frequently used phrase in your vocabulary.

• You know how to pitch a conniption fit.

• Your lingerie always matches. Red is your first choice, white is your last.

• You can make men simultaneously fear and adore you.

• You know that collard greens taste better than they smell while cooking.

• You know who Ernest T. Bass is.