The challenges in finding Miss or Mr. ‘Right’

John Hatcher is pastor of Outreach International Center, 1091 South Jeff Davis Drive, Fayetteville, Georgia 30215. 770-719-0303

By John Hatcher
Contributing Writer

For three weeks I was in Uganda teaching specifically in the area of marriage. Uganda is a country, not unlike many, that relies heavily on culture and tradition to define and experience marriage. Many future brides receive marriage instruction from their aunties who essentially counsel to be the slave of the husband, meeting his every need.

Of course, as the Word of God is unfolded in this context, lights come on and people come alive to a new reason for living and loving. In one seminar conducted in a remote village in the bush, one older married woman stood to share that she was so happy that she came to the seminar for she had lived her entire married life believing her purpose was to cook food for her husband and children — her only purpose to cook food. What enslavement, restriction, and limitation — all of which were dealt a huge blow by the truth of God’s Word. She was thrilled to learn that her purpose could be traced all the way back to when God created male and female in his image and that God had made it clear she was a fellow heir of the grace of life — along with her husband. She now knew that her purposes exceeded just cooking!

In teaching principles of God’s Word concerning marriage, I am indebted to a relative newly published book written by Chip Ingram entitled Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. I strongly encourage you to get this book, read it, affirm its veracity to the Bible, and then apply to your life and marriage.

In his book, Ingram contrasts the Hollywood formula for developing marriage relationships with God’s formula for the same. The Hollywood formula, promulgated by movies and television, often becomes personified by the rich and famous. But because of their influence, the average and un-influential are also taking cues from Hollywood in how to do lasting relationships.

Hollywood’s first step toward relational happiness is to find the right person. The second step is to fall in love with Mr. and Miss Right. The third step is to fix all your hopes and dreams on that one person to make you happy. The fourth step counsels that if steps one, two, and three fail, start all over again. Obviously, you made a mistake and did not marry Mr. or Miss Right. Start the search again for the one just right for you!

We all have seen it happen all to often, not only in the lives of the Hollywood stars, but also in the lives of our friends, neighbors, family, and perhaps ourselves. Hollywood’s formula for relational happiness leads to finding faults on one’s spouse, severe disappointment, and living in misery or getting a divorce, the latter being the most popular.

Hollywood’s model contends that the physical aspects of the relationship come first. You are attracted because of someone’s good looks. The last thing to be considered, of course, is the spiritual. In counseling engaged couples, I often asked if they have had sex. Most of them answer in the affirmative. Then, because they are sitting in a Christian pastor’s study, I ask them if they have had prayer together. They respond, “Oh no, we haven’t done that. We haven’t gone that far.”

In contrast to the worldly model, Ingram suggests four steps to relational happiness consistent with God’s Word. He cites Ephesians 5:1, 2. The verses instruct believers to be imitators of God and walk in love with one another.

The first Godly step to finding relational happiness is not to find the right person but become the right person. This step admits that the big problem in relationships centers on you and not your intended or your spouse.

The second step is to walk in love with the other person rather than fall in love. When you walk in love, you seek to meet the needs of the other person rather than have your own needs met.

The third step in the Godly formula is to fix your hope on God and seek to please him in the relationship rather than burdenening your spouse with the chore of fulfilling your dreams and hopes.

Like the Hollywood formula, the Godly formula to relational happiness says if steps one, two, and three fail, repeat step one and that is to become the right person. I know many married people who would benefit from taking their focus off improving their spouse to improving themselves.

If you really want to find Mr. or Miss Right, become Mr. and Miss Right and God will make the introductions.