Twelve steps for workaholics

By RICK RYCKELEY
Contributing Writer

There’re many step programs out there, dealing with all kinds of problems. If you drink too much, there’s Alcoholics Anonymous. Eat too much? There’s Overeaters Anonymous. Gamble too much? There’s Gamblers Anonymous. And if you smoke too much ... well, the government has developed a step program to help you stop. They just keep raising the taxes on cigarettes so now they cost $3.50 a pack.

But as good as those programs are, there doesn’t seem to be a step program for my affliction: being a workaholic. That is, till now.

Step one: In the long road to recovering from workaholicism, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Okay, so I have a problem. I work too much. Now if you ask The Wife, she’d say I have more than just one problem, and The Citizen doesn’t have enough paper nor ink for me to write about all of them. So for this article we’ll just focus in on how not to be a workaholic.

Step two: Ask for forgiveness. I’m sorry that the economic recovery has stalled; it’s all my fault. I should have worked harder and longer hours so we could afford more stuff. I’m sorry Baskin Robbins went out of business; that’s my fault, too. Guess I should’ve taken The Wife out for ice cream more than just once a week. And the high fuel prices can be traced right back to my buying that car for The Boy. He sure does burn up a bunch of gas. The Boy has a lead foot. But at least he’s trying to help out the energy crisis in his own way. When he cuts on his stereo that occupies the entire back seat, he can cut off the engine and just vibrate down the street.

Step three: Confront people. Yesterday I called the phone company and told them to disconnect the phone. It cost too much. If anyone needs to contact us, they can drive over and visit. Besides, with the phone disconnected, telemarketers can’t call. Now there’s a fun group of folks. I told the people at the post office to stop sending me bills. Went to the power company and told them we didn’t need electricity anymore. From now on, we’ll use candles. The gas company can come out and disconnect the gas, too. The Boy can cut trees and split wood ‘cause from now on we’re going to heat our house the old-fashioned way!

Step four: Seeking help. I called best friend Mitch and asked him if he could do some of my work. He said no. He’s got too much work to do; seems he’s a workaholic also. I asked the fire department if they would help me: Would they still pay me if I didn’t come into work? They said no. I turned to The Boy for help. He walked off mumbling something about child labor laws. I’m still working on this step.

Step five: Go on a vacation. Now this one is really hard for a workaholic, and it has two parts. You must first cram two weeks of work into one short week. That’s the easy part. The hard part of step five? For seven whole days you have to stop work, go to some exotic location, stay in a fine resort, eat great food that’s prepared for you (yes, fellow workaholics, that means no grilling out), be waited on hand and foot, and go into every shop whether you buy something or not just to meander. (A whole story about the true art of meandering will soon be forthcoming). But what ever you do, you must do absolutely no work! I know it seems impossible, but that’s what you do on vacation: no work. See? Told you it was hard.

Step six: Get a hobby. This one is easy. I told The Wife that I already had a hobby: work. She said no. I had to find another one. She suggested I could join her new book club. Five of her friends read the same book and then they meet once a month to talk about it. Hmm ... read a whole book in only a month? I think I’ll join Habitat for Humanity. They build houses for the needy. Sounds like a lot of work to me; that’s perfect.

Step seven: Reinforcement and rewards. When you don’t work so much, there are rewards. Those people in your house you see every now and then? They’re your family, and they’d love to see more of you. If you have little kids, they’re really fun to be around. Now, the joys of being around teenagers are a whole other story. If you have a house full of teenagers, I know why you stay away and work so much. Helpful hint: cut down on all that working and the dog won’t think you’re a stranger anymore. He’ll finally stop growling at you. So will your wife. She didn’t marry you so she could be alone all the time.

But being a workaholic does have some advantages, though; it keeps you from having other problems. I’m too busy working to lie around getting an eating disorder. Don’t have time to gamble. And if I smoked, I’d have to work even harder to afford the high cost of cigarettes.

I know that most recovery programs are twelve steps long and this one is only seven, but there’s a good reason for the abnormality. I’m trying not to work so much. I’m a recovering Workaholic, you know. It’s a process.