Wednesday, September 17, 2003
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003 |
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Getting honest with your spouse By JOHN HATCHER Since my wife and I are a one checking account type of couple, we want to know what's happening in each other's purse (or wallet for the men folk). Although I pay the bills, it's my wife who's the conservative one about spending. One of my weaknesses happens around lunch. I like to take people to lunch and pay the bill. When finances were tough (by the way when were they not?), Mary Ann started tracking my dollars spent for lunch. I would come home at the end of the day and she would ask, "Who did you have lunch with?" And then she would ask the follow up question, "Who paid?" While serving a church in North Carolina in the '80s, one weekday I asked our minister of music to join me for lunch. Of course I paid the check. Upon arriving home I encountered the same round of questioning. For fear of consequences, I told my wife a little bitty lie. I told her we both paid for our lunches. Good. Situation handled. Thankfully, Mary Ann is not one to want proof. She just believed me. One week later, Mary Ann and I hosted the same minister of music and his wife for dinner at our home. As we were talking about how poor we were as church mice, the music minister said, "Well, I hardly ever go out for lunch because of the money. I would not have gone out last week for lunch but that John paid for it." Caught! Red handed! And red faced. Mary Ann gave me a look to kill. After our guests went home that night, I remember a not too small discussion over the matter. I had sinned against God and my wife. I violated the ninth commandment and the trust of marriage. But, did I for one minute think at the time that enormous consequences were in the wait for me? Did I for one minute think I had eternally and everlastingly ripped my britches with my wife? Did I for one second believe she was going to lose it over this infraction of marriage and beliefs? No. I knew without thinking about it that we were in a covenantal relationship that said "for better, for worse." When 99 percent of men and women vow their lives to one another, they declare a covenant of unconditional acceptance, love, and presence with one another. In fact, at many weddings, the minister will use words used by a daughter-in-law for her mother-in-law (The Old Testament Book of Ruth): "Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people"). In those words, on top of the covenant, there's implicit acknowledgement that there will be tough times in a marriage when things don't and won't always go smoothly. I suppose you could say Mary Ann's discovery of my deception was one of those times. I really thought I would never be found out. There's a saying of Jesus' that popped up on the screen of my mind as I wrote these words: "whatever you say in secret will be shouted on the mountaintops." Amen. Watch out, your sins will find you out. So, what's a guy to do? Repent! Yes, repent of your sin to your wife and to your God. "Yes, Mary Ann I told you a lie because I didn't want you getting on me for spending money. Yes, I bore false witness violating the ninth commandment." How well I know those ten rules. I can teach anyone how to memorize them in 15 minutes. But, the job won't get done with a mere, "I sinned." The reason we can laugh about it today, the reason the incident today doesn't dredge up hostile memories was because of the next interchange between my wife and me. I asked her, "Will you forgive me?" With little delay, she said, "Yes." It was over. I was so sorrowful that I had lied to the very one who believed in me more than anyone else on this earth. Did I have to lie? No. Did I feel like I had to lie? Yes. But that covenant that we struck December 28, 1974 said that I didn't have to tell my wife a lie. She would and could accept the full, unvarnished truth. In Willard Harley's book, His Needs, Her Needs, the author makes the case that our wives are far more able to hear the truth from their husbands than we men think. What they don't want to hear is the lie. So men, get honest with your wife tonight and stay honest the rest of your life. And if you fall off the truth wagon, tell your wife as soon as possible. Tell her and ask her, "Will you forgive me?" Chances are, 99.99 percent of the time, she will. John Hatcher is pastor of Outreach International Center 1091 South Jeff Davis Drive Fayetteville, Georgia 30215 770-719-0303 |
