Friday, March 21, 2003

By DAVID EPPS
Pastor

The other day, I overheard that the French have been selling spare parts for attack helicopters and fighter jets to the government of Iraq. So, in a few days, French-equipped aircraft will be shooting at American forces. I also heard that, following the impending war, the French, who have undermined the U. S. at every opportunity want to be involved in the "rebuilding of Iraq" and have pledged that, if Iraq uses weapons of mass destruction against the U.S. and allied troops, the French will then step in and "defend" the U. S. soldiers.

I began to wonder what that great statesman and philosopher, the late Lewis Grizzard of Moreland, Georgia, might think about such goings-on. Without presuming what might be in the mind of Mr. Gizzard, God rest his soul, I have come up with an idea: Forget Iraq, invade France.

The invasion of France shouldn't take very long, four or five hours at the most, depending on how long it takes the French to surrender, stack their weapons, and go home. Once this is accomplished, the U. S. and allied forces could begin rebuilding France into a civilized nation. Here are some ideas, for starters:

Finish building the Eiffel Tower. The whole thing looks like someone took a giant erector set and just never finished the job. Put a cell phone tower on the top and stick a McDonald's in the bottom. Maybe they could cover the thing with vinyl siding and stick a "See Rock City" sign on the outside.

Dismantle the French military and start over. Send in the Green Berets, like we do in other third world countries, to teach the people how to fight. We could keep the French Foreign Legion, since they do know how to fight. Of course, that may be because there are very few French in the French Foreign Legion.

Send the leadership of the French Army to Iraq to teach Saddam how to surrender.

Teach the French men how to bathe and use soap.

Teach the French women how to shave.

Send in Operation Rescue to gather up the French fashion models and rush them to an eating disorder clinic.

Give the French a new language one that doesn't sound so prissy and sissy. Oh, I know that some people think that French sounds romantic but how sexy is a language in which people say "Oui, oui" all over the place? Isn't that what "this little piggy" kept saying, "all the way home?"

Mandate that all French adults and schoolchildren be enrolled in Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" course. Every year. For the rest of their lives.

Prohibit the French from eating all that cheese and drinking all that wine. I think that's what makes them the way they are. In fact, outlaw French wine and cheese. The world will surely be better for it.

Make rudeness a felony in France.

Build lots more jails to house all the rude French men and women.

And finally, make June 6 a national holiday. On that day, require all French citizens over the age of six to visit the U. S. military cemeteries and stop at every one of the 55,000 + graves of American fighting men who died defending and liberating France in the two world wars and demand that they say, "Thank you," at every single headstone. Persons who refuse will be exiled to Iraq.

[David Epps is the rector of Christ the King Church on Ga. Highway 34 between Newnan and Peachtree City. He is a veteran of the U. S. Marine Corps and has never been to France or desired to go. He may be contacted at FatherDavidEpps@aol.com.]

Back to thø Opinion Home Page| Back to the top of the page