Wednesday, March 19, 2003
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Wednesday, March 19, 2003 |
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Predictions for Oscar Night By MICHAEL
BOYLAN
The Academy Awards will take place Sunday evening, even if we are dropping bombs over Baghdad at that point. I see Iraqi soldiers and civilians ducking for cover as DVDs of "The Hot Chick" fall from the sky. The questions as Oscar time nears are "Will 'Chicago' sweep, Will Nicole Kidman win for 'The Hours,' Will the program end before midnight? Does anybody care?" I made my picks for the nominations earlier this year and did fairly well. At the end of this column I'll give you who I think will win in the top five. However, before we get to that, here are other predictions of what will happen at this year's Academy Awards. Host Steve Martin will use a joke similar to my dropping bombs over Baghdad joke. It will get more laughs than mine did. The camera will pan to Rene Zellweger close to 400 times during the broadcast and she will look more nervous and pinched than usual. Martin will also slam Joan Rivers in his monologue. The stars and the millions of people at home watching will applaud. Someone will wear a dress that looks like it was made by a frazzled, over-caffeinated, over-tired mother of six for one of her children's school production of "The Four Food Groups." Said dress will have a price tag of several thousand dollars. The entire viewing audience will change channels for close to an hour as the really boring awards, including the lifetime achievement award, are presented. They will probably watch an old episode of "Cheers" or "Trading Spaces" instead. During the evening, a winner will give a speech and forget to mention a family member. Though we will never see it, his or her life will never be the same again. A group of people will be on stage after having won an award. One person will speak too long, while another person, one with something better and most likely more clever to say, keeps inching closer and closer to the podium. He will be interrupted by the music. Almost every winner will be interrupted by the music. Should Anthony Hopkins present an award, he will make some reference to his role as Hannibal Lecter. Unfortunately, it will not be the "Liver and Fava Beans" reference. Ashton Kutcher will not present an award. Nor will Freddie Prinze Jr. The world will rejoice. The best moment of the night will be when hundreds of clips from some of the best loved moments of all time are shown. The second best moment will be the clips of the actors and directors who have passed away in the past year. The worst moment of the night will be when the President of the Academy gives his annual speech. Viewers will switch over to "Fear Factor" at that point. O.K., here are my picks for the five major awards. Best Supporting Actress - Meryl Streep "Adaptation." Best Supporting Actor - Chris Cooper - "Adaptation." Best Actress - Rene Zellweger - "Chicago." Best Actor - Daniel Day-Lewis - "Gangs of New York." Best Picture - "Chicago." The Academy Awards will be on ABC Sunday night at 8 p.m. I'll be watching, until "Six Feet Under" comes on at 9 p.m. |
