Wednesday, February 26, 2003
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Wednesday, February 26, 2003 |
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Domestic violence demands action not tolerance By JOHN HATCHER One of my favorite television series is "Strong Medicine," aired Sunday nights on Lifetime Network. The show, produced by Whoopi Goldberg, deals with real life challenges in the context of people who operate a women's free immediate care facility. In the last two episodes, one of the story lines has been domestic violence. It seems that during a heated domestic argument between husband and wife (who plays the role of a medical doctor in this immediate care clinic), her husband hits her in the face. She proceeds to dismiss him from the house, secure a protective warrant, and refuses to accept him back until and when he submits to professional help. Her children asked her, "Well, what did you do that would make Daddy hit you," trying to believe there was a rational basis for violence. But, there is none. I write this matter in my column because statistics tell us that one in three wives are victims of domestic violence. Which could mean that one in three husbands in Fayette County need professional help. I counsel women that when the man strikes you, it's time for you to find shelter somewhere else or it's time for him to leave the house. No exceptions to this counsel. One reason that more husbands are not seeking help is that our society winks at a husband getting physical with the wife. I remember an episode from "I Love Lucy." Ricky gets upset with one of Lucy's antics. He turns her over on his lap and starts to spank her. The audience laughs and we all agree she deserves it. But, wow! When I see that episode, I can't believe my eyes. That the networks still allow that particular episode to be aired is amazing. In counseling potentially battered women, I ask her if he has made holes in any of the walls in the house. Often, she says "yes." That's a sure sign. The next hole he makes will be in the wife. That's the time to insist he get some help. Women, you must remember that most men refuse to ask for help. How often have you wives told us to stop and ask someone for directions and we refused? Same true here. Most men think they can find their way out of their anger and violence. They can't and won't. It will only escalate if no help is sought. The big question is this: how does domestic violence perpetuate itself? Don't we learn? When children see and learn that daddy beat up mama, they detest it. But they take mental pictures and those mental pictures are stronger than moral messages. The pictures in a tragic way say that this is the way life is and one must accept it. The guy gets the idea that beating on his wife is entirely appropriate because his dad did it. The girl gets the idea that accepting that kind of violence is entirely appropriate because mama accepted it. Somewhere along the way, one generation must stop the violence. For the sake, if no one else, your children you must stop the vicious cycle of violence that has plagued your family, perhaps, for generations. Of course, this same logic applies to sexual abuse. So, I plead with you to get help. Help may save your marriage and make it far better. But you must not continue to live with the abuse. A good starting point is your local pastor, priest, or rabbi. If he or she advises you to stick it out, tell him to take a hike and get a life. Then, call the Domestic Violence Hotline. For God's sake, do something. Don't sit there and wait for him to blow up again and take it all out on you.
John Hatcher is pastor of Outreach International Center 1091 South Jeff Davis Drive Fayetteville, Georgia 30215 770-719-0303 |
