Wednesday, November 13, 2002
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Wednesday, November 13, 2002 |
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Save a penguin, melt an iceberg or two By MICHAEL BOYLAN Ladies and gentlemen, this column is usually reserved for my attempts at being humorous, but today I am here to warn everyone of a menace that threatens everything good and right with the world. Icebergs. Icebergs have long been a thorn in the side of Arctic and Antarctic explorers, not to mention those poor people in the blockbuster film "Titanic." These giant mountains of ice float about in the sea, looking for things to damage and people to kill and it has to end. Now, these frosty fiends are threatening the oldest colony of Antarctic Emperor penguins by separating them from other colonies and disrupting their breeding and feeding patterns. According to the Scripps Institution of Oceanography in La Jolla, California, the encroaching icebergs forced several colonies to scatter away from the larger group and because the food supply is more scarce when they are separated, the development of the chicks is slower than other penguin chicks. Researcher Gerald Kooyman also found that there is less breeding going on, which is not surprising really. How could they think of breeding when the icebergs are looming? It also appears that one group of penguins may have been smooshed between two ice plates that got pushed together because of, you guessed it, icebergs. I think of crushed penguins and I get angrier than when people talk at the movies. We need to take out these penguin-hating blocks of ice and fast. Who's with me? You probably think I am joking, that icebergs are inanimate objects that have no control over what they sink or smoosh. You probably also think that we are safe because we are far away from Antarctica and that there are plenty of places, like Cuba, that are in the way. You are wrong. The majority of the over 40,000 icebergs causing disaster after disaster come from one of the most evil places on the planet, Greenland, and are moving rapidly towards cities and towns all over the world. They travel at an enormous speed of up to seven kilometers a year. I'm not familiar with the metric system, but even a child knows that that is fast. We must be very careful. Icebergs are a very old evil. They are made up of ice that is over 15,000 years old and most people can tell you that old equals evil. They can be defeated, but to thwart their evil plans they must be melted. We must also not be deceived by appearances. Though it may look like an iceberg has been melted and destroyed, it may just be the tip of the iceberg that is gone. Scientists in Newfoundland say that over 7/8 of an iceberg is located below the water. The easiest way to get rid of icebergs is to speed up global warming. Some people will tell you that this will cause a global flood which would cause tons of damage and countless fatalities, but I think that is just iceberg propaganda. Icebergs and their confused supporters just want another ice age. An age where icebergs rule the world and glide about like they own the place. How do we speed up global warming? Well, I suggest spraying can after can of aerosol hairspray towards the sky, while driving around incessantly in an SUV. I also think leaving several hairdryers on permanently may do the trick as well. Icebergs can also be towed. Now, if you have a jacuzzi or hot tub and would like to do your part in eliminating this menace and saving thousands of penguins and people on large boats crossing the Atlantic, contact either our country's National Security Advisor or Chief of Homeland Security, who will put you in touch with the Anti-Iceberg Brigade. Unless you want all penguins to die or you want to risk the possibility of hitting one of these monstrosities on your way to work one morning, please help.
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