Wednesday, April 24, 2002
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Wednesday, April 24, 2002 |
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If Noah had to do it today .... By JUDY KILGORE I hope this is not cheating, but, once again, I was asked to be a last-minute fill-in for John, whose column may be found elsewhere in the paper. Since I am certainly no authority on religion (many are probably clutching their sides and laughing uncontrollably at that remark) I would find it most difficult to even attempt to give you spiritual insights or moral advice. Miss Cleo I ain't. But a cohort here at the paper found the following on the Internet and suggested I use it to fill the vacant space this week. (Thank you, Monroe, for saving my hide.) The author is unknown. Some of you may have received it in one of those annoying "Fwd:" e-mails that fill your mailbox each day. If you haven't, you'll no doubt get a chuckle out of it. Having "served my time" in my younger days as a reporter covering city and county government events, and chuckling a time or two myself over endless "red tape," I fully understand Noah's dilemma. I hope you enjoy this:
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" he shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the plans. "Then, I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. "Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U. S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. "However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls, so ... no owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. I now have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. "When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my only taking two of every kind aboard. "Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. "Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational watercraft.' "Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years," wailed Noah. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas became calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord, sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." |
