Wednesday, January 30, 2002
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Wednesday, January 30, 2002 |
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The Citizen gears up for sweeps period By MICHAEL
BOYLAN February is the first sweeps period of the year. Television networks show new episodes of popular programs with special guests or plot twists, arrange special programming created to attract the highest number of viewers and generally go all-out to make sure that they are the number one network for that time period. Here is a little known fact. Other industries have sweeps periods as well, including newspapers. You may be asking yourself, well, what is The Citizen going to do to increase readership during sweeps. The answer: A lot. First of all, in place of my column in February will be columns in which I have channeled the spirits of Vaudevillian comedians W.C. Fields and Fatty Arbuckle. I have already begun practicing with my Ouija board. W.C. says hello and that he is in heaven, but unfortunately he lost his corkscrew and has surived on nothing but food and water since his demise. People don't just read The Citizen for the weekend section, much to my disbelief. They read the paper for hard-hitting news. That is just what they'll get when we send reporter John Munford to Afghanistan on a search for Osama Bin Laden, Chandra Levy and O.J. Simpson's missing girlfriend. Munford has already begun digging and believes all three of them are in the elaborate cave system of Tora Bora. Another popular feature of the paper is Dave Hamrick's thought-provoking opinion column on the editorial page. To spice it up during February sweeps, Dave will be living as a democrat in my tiny Fayetteville townhouse while I live as a Republican in his fat cat house in Jonesboro. Dave will subsist on a diet of Ramen noodles, free cheese and juice boxes, while I swim nightly in his heated pool. But that's not all. The Citizen will be in the public eye throughout the month of February. Reporter John Thomspon will judge the county barbershop quartet finals and then will face off with restaurant critic F.C. Foodie in a pizza eating contest, which will benefit The Southside Pinochleheads. Monroe Roark will jump 18 motorcycles with a ten-speed bicycle in the parking lot adjacent to Krystal. Religion editor Judy Kilgore will go undercover in Fayetteville's new Muslim center to find out what all the hub bub is about and Publisher Cal Beverly will be a Peachtree City police officer for a day. Word has it he will be on the cart paths during the day writing tickets to all of the speeding GEM vehicles and at night he will position himself outside of Martini's, so watch out. Remember, The Citizen is here for you and we want February to be our most exciting month ever. Pick up a copy every week and stay in touch with your community.
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