Wednesday, October 10, 2001
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Wednesday, October 10, 2001 |
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Happy Columbus Day By MICHAEL
BOYLAN In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. In 1494, he sailed the ocean blue some more. That may not be how the rhyme continues, but Columbus Day was observed Monday and it got me thinking about what a loser he was. Hear me out. Christopher Columbus was sailing to find a route to the Indies. He never found it, but he always thought that he did. That is like saying you're trying to fly to the moon, going up in the air, getting all turned around, landing in Mexico and thinking the people calling you "Gringo" are moon men. "And Gringo to you, sir." Columbus is believed to be the first European to sail across the Atlantic. I guess we don't consider Vikings to be European. Apparently, Scandinavia isn't a part of Europe. Of course, people back in Columbus's time thought the earth was flat and anybody that tried to sail past the horizon would fall off the face of the earth. However, in the book of Isaiah, 40:18, it says that the earth is round. People back then couldn't read anyway. Columbus was from Genoa, which is a town better known for salami, and always dreamed of a life at sea, discovering places and claiming fortunes for himself and any country that would pay him. It wasn't going to be Italy, and Portugal said no, too. In fact, Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand of Spain said no twice before finally agreeing. So, Columbus takes three boats, the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria and heads out to look for a westward route to Asia. He leaves Aug. 3, 1492, stops at the Canary Islands for close to a month and then travels again. Oct. 12, 1492, land is spotted. Columbus claimed to have seen it first from the Nina, but evidence points to the Pinta seeing it first. Way to try to take credit for things you didn't really do, Chris. Columbus and the crew landed in what is now known to be Cuba. Columbus was convinced it was China. Imagine him running around Havana searching for the Great Wall. "It must be here somewhere. It is supposed to be enormous." He comes upon a wall made of logs or something. "Aha. I have found it!" He then sailed a little further and landed in Haiti, thinking it was Japan. If he had heard tales of the Far East and their people before, wouldn't he think something was a little off. They were supposed to be small people with light complexions, small eyes and an advanced civilization. Not exactly the population of Haiti. Lucky for Columbus, he found some gold and resources and his trip wasn't a total bust. In fact, it was real easy to plant a flag and claim the land for Spain. "I know you thought this land was yours, but it's not. Thank you for playing. Now, who wants to be a slave?" Columbus then leaves for Spain to show off gold, exotic birds and human captives. Spain goes gaga for the goods and the promise of wealthy land to occupy and control and gives Columbus 17 ships and 1,300 men to go do some more damage in what everybody still thinks is Asia. Queen Isabella was probably asking for some silk this time around. Columbus and his crew leave for "China" and "Japan" again and when they land, things aren't so good. The natives didn't like what was going on and started revolting and killing the Spanish settlers. "Thanks for leaving us with these savages, Chris. Especially since we were stuck here without a way to go home." Columbus declares himself governor, which by the way is the easiest way to gain power, and tries to establish order. He hangs some of the people who screwed up the gold-getting process, which angers enough of the crew enough to send letters tattling on him. Columbus and a few of his boys get taken back to Spain in shackles. Spain eventually releases Columbus, thanks him for getting them some gold and some new land and sends him on his merry way. Spain then goes on to claim more land in what they still probably considered to be Asia. They also kill thousands of more natives for being all uppity and trying to stop them from conquering them over the next hundred years or so. And now, every October children all over America falsely claim Christopher Columbus discovered America, when really he discovered the third world but called it Asia, killed a bunch of people or made them slaves, declared himself governor and ended his career with a fraction of a fortune and died in relative obscurity. Happy Columbus Day, everybody.
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