Wednesday, August 29, 2001
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Wednesday, August 29, 2001 |
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Waking up with Muppets on the brain By MICHAEL
BOYLAN I was going to write a column about U.S. Rep. Gary Condit and the search for missing intern Chandra Levy, but I had a vision the other night. While I was dreaming, a thought entered my mind and when I woke up it was still there, speaking to me in a soothing voice, repeating the phrase: How many Muppets is too many Muppets? It sounds crazy, I know. It kept coming back to the forefront of my mind all that day and I decided that the column on Gary Condit would have to wait. I must get to the bottom of this. How many Muppets is too many Muppets and why should I care? More importantly, why was I chosen to answer this question? Was a higher power sending me this message in order to lead me to a more correct spiritual path? I began my journey the day after I woke up with Muppets on my mind. I started by examining the Muppets history. Created by Jim Henson, the Muppets were a brand of puppets best known for their work on the children's educational series "Sesame Street." From there several characters spun off a television series appropriately titled "The Muppet Show," which was followed by several movies, a few more television shows such as "Fraggle Rock" and "Muppet TV," holiday specials and cartoons. Still, this background did not lead me to a definitive answer of this riddle. My calls to the Children's Television Workshop, where all the Muppet magic happens, went unreturned. At the end of the first day, I still had no idea what this phrase meant or what the answer could be. The once soothing voice was beginning to sound hoarse, like an alcoholic old lady who smokes too many cigarettes. The next day I went to the next logical place I could think of; the kids. This did not please my employers, as I skipped out on work, but that is another story. "How many Muppets is too many Muppets, kids," I asked a group of children playing on the swing sets at a local park. The answers varied. "Five." "I dunno." "What's a Muppet?" "You're dumb." One of the children began to cry as I described talking pigs, bears, frogs and weirdos. The child's mother ran over and shooed me away. This journey was becoming more arduous than I ever thought it would be, but they don't call it a test for nothing. I asked my wife what she thought over dinner and she rolled her eyes. She didn't answer me and I think it was because she knew she couldn't invest the time I was investing into this dilemma without us going straight to the poorhouse. She patted my shoulder supporting me and then went to bed with tears in her eyes. I'm guessing they were tears of pride. Day two ended and I was still no closer. The hoarse and ragged voice was beginning to sound monstrous. I had to turn on the television and crank up the volume to drown out the demonic voice. Somehow, I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up the voice was gone. In its place were the sounds of "The Muppets take Manhattan," the third Muppet movie. In that film Kermit and Miss Piggy get married and before their musical takes the stage, Kermit realizes that what the show was missing all along was more Muppets. There was my answer. How many Muppets is too many Muppets? There are never too many Muppets. Just when you think you have had your fill, you can always take a little more. They might make you laugh or teach you Spanish. Heck, sometimes, like when Gonzo is about to go back to his home planet and leave his Muppet buddies behind, they might even make you cry. I figured out the riddle and still found a way to keep my job and my sanity. Next week: Where's Chandra?
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