By DAVID EPPS
Pastor

Tom Green has 25 children and, as of several weeks ago, had four more on the way. Tom also has five wives. Tom is in his early 50s and is a "renegade Mormon" living in Utah.

Although the state of Utah outlawed polygamy (having several wives), as a condition of statehood in 1896, there are some 30,000 or so polygamists living in the home of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. Mr. Green is in a bit of trouble these days, having impregnated his most recent wife, a 13-year-old. Sex between 13-year-old girls and 50-something men is frowned upon, even in Utah.

But here's what I don't understand why would any sane man have more than one wife? Oh, I know about "variety being the spice of life" and all that stuff, and I realize that King Solomon had gazillions of wives and uptillions of women he slept with but didn't marry, also known as "concubines" ("Concubine" sounds an awful lot like "porcupine," don't you think?).

This coming September, I will have been married to the same woman for 30 years. My wife is wonderful. I love her dearly. We have had three sons together. But two wives? Or three? Or more? You must be mad. Or joking. Or on dope. All I can think of is an epidemic of PMS that lasts continually for decades.

I confess that I was not ready to live with a woman my own age (actually my wife is a year younger). My father and mother had two sons, some eight years apart, so, without any sisters, we missed the whole Barbie scene, pigtails, training bras, times of the month, makeup, frills, lace, tears, and all the rest. We were able to go to the bathroom just about whenever we wanted, since a sister did not take up residence in that sacred and necessary room. We never experienced the joys of dozens of panty hose strung out to dry like the web of some horrific spider.

I never knew, until I got married, that men say what they mean and fight with fists, while women say what they feel and fight with words and emotions. I never understood that a man needs three pair of shoes: work or causal shoes, dress shoes, and tennis shoes, while women need a separate room to house the shoes. Men need a brush, toothbrush, tooth paste, a razor, shaving cream, deodorant, and hair spray/gel (or maybe Rogaine). Women need three aisles from Eckerd's stuffed into three drawers and a countertop in the bathroom.

And, Mr. Green from Utah, answer me this: How do five wives back-seat drive all at one time? Do they take a day a week? Do they back-seat drive in eight-hour shifts? Or do they all let you have it all at once on a continual basis? My wife has a "look" that can freeze mercury. If five women gave their man the "look" all at once, it seems to me that he would be instantly atomized.

Do you realize that with five wives also come five mothers-in-law? Five older women all telling their daughters that they married the wrong guy and how prosperous their ex-boyfriends are now. Five fathers-in-law all convinced that their little precious married a jerk and a moron who will never amount to a hill of beans. Five sets of brothers-in-law borrowing money, and five sets of sisters-in-law bringing five sets of kids over to play with your growing brood of 25 with four more on the way.

Does Mr. Green have five women telling him to take out the trash, or mow the yard, or "please go shopping with me to the mall"? Or five wives all wanting a new car or a better house or new curtains, or carpet, or whatever? Or five wives all complaining, "You never talk to me anymore!"?

Can you even begin to imagine a night out? A Friday night at the movies, without the kids, would cost a minimum of $87, counting the tickets and the jumbo combo for everyone. And if you take the kids, the price goes up to somewhere around $396.50!

And even if you give a rip what happens to the Braves since that stupid and childish baseball strike a few years ago, for which I have never forgiven them and refuse to this day to buy a ticket, going to a game would require one to rob First National Bank.

Or, I suppose, you could just have a cozy afternoon at home and gather around the television set in your living room just you, the five wives, the 25 kids, and four on the way.

Somewhere along the line, Mr. Green will have endured the teenage years 29 separate times. The very real possibility exists that Mr. Tom Green will face some jail time for consummating a relationship with a 13-year-old. I wonder if he's looking forward to the relative peace and quiet of prison. After all, he will have two people in a cell, four at the most.

Yes, the guards and other inmates will yell, scream, and make demands, but even a cadre of hardened Marine Corps drill instructors can't make as much noise and make as many demands as five wives, 25 children, with four on the way.

Some people I know look at Mr. Green and the other 30,000 Utah polygamists with envy. But I tend to agree with what a wise man once said: "If the grass is that much greener on the other side of the fence, it's probably because there's a lot more manure over there!"

[David Epps is rector of Christ the King Charismatic Episcopal Church in Peachtree City. He may be contacted at FatherDavidEpps@aol.com or at www.ChristTheKingCEC.com.]

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